Category Archives: Humor

FLASH: Neo-Nazi’s Offer Elizabeth Warren a Job

The largest Affiliation of United States Neo-Nazis has offered Elizabeth Warren a Role in their Organization. According to Helmut Smith, Human Resources Director for the National Socialist Democratic Party of Massachusetts, Senator Warren is being offered the position of Generaloberstabsrichter.
When we contacted Mr. Smith he explained to us that his organization has had their eye on Senator Warren for some time but it wasn’t until her latest DNA results that they decided they had to make the leadership offer.

“Yes, we have watched Frau Warren for many years. Her background in Socialist ideology and willingness to continue forward when all seems lost are both strong attribute. But now that she has demonstrated a level of Racial Purity which would be the envy of every SS Officer to have ever applied for the honor, well, we had no choice but to extend the offer. We are confident that she will make a great Leader for our cause once we explain the only difference between her cherished version of Socialism and ours is how property is held… and of course way better uniforms.  Besides, she already has the haircut.” – Helmut Smith HR Dir. NAZIMass

We are awaiting comment from Senator Warren’s office and will update as necessary.

Advertisements

In Defense of Elizabeth Warren…

Is it Xenophobia?

The Cherokee Nation has spoken:

“A DNA test is useless to determine tribal citizenship. Current DNA tests do not even distinguish whether a person’s ancestors were indigenous to North or South America,” Cherokee Nation Secretary of State Chuck Hoskin Jr. said. “Sovereign tribal nations set their own legal requirements for citizenship, and while DNA tests can be used to determine lineage, such as paternity to an individual, it is not evidence for tribal affiliation” – Cherokee Nation Secretary of State Chuck Hoskin Jr.

What Mr. Hoskin is refusing to accept is the Reality that Elizabeth Warren is simply an “Undocumented Cherokee”. Ms. Warren is here whether Mr. Hoskin and his Tribe, like it or not. Since she is already claiming Cherokee Heritage and has acted as a member in good standing of the Cherokee Nation for Decades it is only reasonable that the Cherokee Nation accept her and provide full rights and benefits as possessed by every Cherokee Tribe Member. I should remind Mr. Hoskin that Senator Warren has contributed greatly to the Tribe from her representation as a ‘Person of Color’ at Harvard to Cookbooks highlighting uniquely Native American Cuisine. Senator Warren has promoted the Tribes by personally excelling through a life of Socialist politics while positively absolutely and without question not capitalizing on her Native American Identity.

My message to Mr. Hoskin is as follows:

Dear Mr. Hoskin Jr.,

I hope the Sovereign Nations can pry themselves away from what civilized people would consider a 19th Century mindset.

The World is Not Flat, Mr. Hoskins.

Elizabeth Warren is Native American because she says she is. You must respect that.

Due Regards,
Chief


We’re All Indians Now.

 

Why Are we All Indians Now?
Because Elizabeth Warren says so.

Elizabeth Warren took some type of DNA Heritage Test… and now…

Thanks to Ms. Warren I know I’m ENTITLED to go to the front of the line… being considered a person of color and all.

I officially have a “Say Anything I Want” card because I’m a minority… white guy.

Here’s the skinny, My Great-Grandfather was Cherokee. Actually Cherokee. Not “I think so..” high cheekboned Cherokee.  He was the Real Deal.

Given Ms. Warren’s official determination that she is no more and almost certainly actually less, Native American than the average American I’m practically a Chief.  Shoot, if her evidence of “I’m Qualified for Special Status” Native American Heritage is the bar I’m not only going to belly up and have a drink I’m going to expect BIA to start sending me checks directly. I’m also going to forfeit my identifying as a Female Octogenarian Royal and the subsequent demand I will be addressed as “Your Majesty” for a Crying Italian “Indian” on Horseback with the updated demand I will be addressed as “Chief”.

Frankly, I’m not sure what she is thinking but we should be hearing from the Tribes any moment… because if this is all it takes to be considered Native America, the age of Sovereign Nations is OVER.  Elizabeth Warren is the new Small Pox covered Blanket.  We’re ALL Indian Now!

If she was smart she would have kept these results secret… but then again if she were smart she would not be a Socialist.

Either Way…

I always need more Fire Water, So Get Those Checks Coming!  Chop-Chop!  (I’m also 1/1064 Asian.)

UPDATE…

As if on Cue.

A Response from the Cherokee Nation link HERE.


Stephen King Doesn’t mean to be Snarky…

File Photo:  Stephen King

Apparently Stephen King, author of brilliant works of fiction such as ‘The Dark Man’ and ‘Rage’, decided to not “be snarky”…

While I don’t care much about what Stephen thinks it brings up several questions.

  1.  Does Stephen need a break from ‘Don’?  If so, why doesn’t he just turn off the TV?
  2.  What does heaven look like to Stephen King?  Oh wait… I don’t care.
  3.  Is it only me or is it always annoying when someone starts a sentence with “Not to be Snarky, but…” or “Not to be an Assh*le, but…” or “Not to be a has-been author who nobody cares about anymore, but…” to then go on and be exactly that?

Stephen, if heaven is waiting for you and all you need to get there is a “break from Blabbermouth Don” then just walk away from the TV.  We all wish you the peace you’re looking for.


State of Kansas experiences Mass Exodus of Law Enforcement Officers!

In light of a new law just passed in Kansas, Law Enforcement Personnel are moving to any of 32 other states.

“We can’t get out of here fast enough!”  says one unidentified Wichita Police Officer interviewed by our on scene reporter.  “We knew this was coming, but didn’t think it would happen so quickly.  It was just out of the Blue…”

Full story here:

http://www.kansas.com/news/politics-government/article210902319.html

 


Feliz Cinco de Mayo!

Join me (once again… and again… and again…) in raising a shot glass full of Tequila paired with a fine, German Crafted, Mexican Cerveza celebrating just one of a long list of French military defeats.
Since turning French military catastrophe into holidays would leave us with little time to actually work, we in the U.S. and Mexico have decided that the 5th of May will be it.

Viva Cinco de Mayo!

It was a turning point for the Mexican army (under Seguin) when they defeated the French at Puebla… Blah, blah, blah, Whatever…

While I certainly give credit to the Mexican army for defeating the French… so has everyone else.  In other words it’s a huge, not so exclusive, club with an  ever-expanding membership… kind of like Costco.  As far as I’m concerned, I’ll toast Mexico as well as all those throughout history who have kept the French contained and focused on making cheese, creating recipes for animals humans would otherwise not eat and various delightfully fluffy egg dishes.

Salud!


Hollywood Suddenly finds a Use for Boys!

Cate Blanchett – File Photo

Apparently, celebrities are getting facials made from cloned baby foreskin cells

Article Published By Filipa Ioannou at SFGATE

“Cate Blanchett recently told Vogue Australia she got a treatment called a “penis facial.”

People have put a lot of wild things on and around their faces in the name of smooth, blemish-free, youthful-looking skin: Leeches! Horse oil! Bee venom! Snail mucus! Bird poop! Animal placenta! Literal neurotoxins!

But it seems Cate Blanchett decided to one-up us all with something she referred to as a “penis facial” (not the X-rated kind). (Editor’s note:  This is assumptive.)

“Sandy (Bullock) and I saw this facialist in New York, Georgia Louise, and she gives what we call the ‘penis facial,'” she said in an interview with Vogue Australia when asked the most outlandish beauty treatment she’d ever received.

The lines in question were quietly removed from the article, but it was too late. A cached version lived on, and the internet’s fascination was piqued.  Cryotherapy Facials: Dermatologist to the stars uses freezing temps to achieve a red-carpet glow!

Blanchett herself wasn’t quite clear on why it was nicknamed the penis facial — maybe the smell?

“I don’t know what it is, or whether it’s just ’cause it smells a bit like sperm — there’s some enzyme in it, so Sandy refers to it as the ‘penis facial,'” she told Vogue Australia.

Would that it were so simple. Alas, the story of the penis facial does not end with the smell.  (Editor’s Note:  Dear God…)

Louise, who also reportedly counts Emma Stone, Katy Perry, Alexander Wang and Karly Kloss among her clients (no word on whether any of them have gotten the penis facial, though) was happy to clarify things in an interview with The Hollywood Reporter. The facial is derived from cells that are clones of baby foreskin cells.

“The foreskin is collected during circumcision and the stem cells are then harvested and extracted through a centrifuge,” she told THR. “I am always very mindful to explain radical serums and potions that I carry in my back bar, so I always explain that EGF is derived from newborn baby foreskin, but cells were taken and from that, new cells are cloned from a laboratory.”

It costs $650.

Filipa Ioannou is an SFGATE staff writer. Email her at fioannou@sfchronicle.com and follow her on Twitter”