Category Archives: Humor

Huma Keeps a Firm Grip on Weiner

In what appears to be a move to maintain the Husband-Wife confidentiality Privilege, it could be interpreted to mean Legal Trouble on the horizon for Mr. and Mrs. Danger.

Stayed to see the next Installment of Humanthony.

 

An Aside… What Ever Happened to Brian Pagliano?

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Humble Juice.

A New, Much Needed, Diet for the American People…  not to address the obesity epidemic, but rather the Entitlement Epidemic.

Humble Juice.

This is not about our standing in the world…  this is about our standing with each other.

A watershed moment of growing up is when you suddenly realize you’re not nearly as special as you think you are.  Not only does the Universe not revolve around you… you find out the Universe doesn’t care about you at all.  And it should never be expected to.

This typically coincides with the realization that your parents are not as brilliant and infallible as you thought they were, pets come and go and nothing is free as someone somewhere is paying for it.  But far, far, too many of us never seem to grow up.  And this is a problem because those individuals pose as adults… doing adult things like raising children, buying stuff they can’t afford and voting.  All of these actions effect the rest of us, thus making it our problem.

It’s time for you, and you know who you are whether you want to admit it or not, to drink a full gallon of Humble Juice each and every day while reminding yourself you’re not entitled to anything.  Nothing.  Nobody “owes” you anything… Ever.  You are amazingly unique… just like EVERY other person that is ,or ever has been, alive.

Look in the mirror and repeat the following every morning…

“I am not entitled to a certain standard of living.  My desired standard of living is mine and mine alone.  Because of this, it is mine to support.  If I cannot maintain my desired standard of living it will fall on only my shoulders to answer any debts I accumulated and adjust accordingly my level of what is acceptable.  It is no one else’s problem unless I owe them money.

I am not Entitled to a Loan.  Nobody is obligated to hand me a bunch of money to go buy stuff.  It doesn’t matter what I want to buy… could be a house, could be a horse… it’s not my money and I don’t have a right to it.  When begging for a loan I will respect this fact.  I might bring along a shot of Humble Juice for that moment when I inevitably forget.

I am not entitled to the services of Doctors, Lawyers, Bankers, Farmers, Real Estate Agents, Cashiers, Waitresses, Sanitation Workers, Etc. Etc. Etc.  I pay for these… because they don’t “owe” me anything.

I am not entitled to a retirement provided by someone else, such as my family, the government (read: Taxpayers), my children, neighbors, employers, “Rich People” etc.  Note: Social Security is Bankrupt… it was a promise that could never be kept… and those who made it knew this… those collecting Social Security have, or will have, collected far more than they ever put in.  I don’t expect to see dime.

I am not entitled to have my stuff replaced if it is lost, stolen or destroyed.  If I pay insurance, I have a contract with a business… not an entitlement.  If I didn’t pay for insurance… I have my savings.  If I have no savings… I have broken stuff.  I will think ahead and prepare for such possibilities.

I am not entitled to the love and devotion of my spouse, partner, dating chum… whatever.  This entitlement leads to some of the most unhealthy people on earth.  Symptoms of this misconception include but are not limited to Depression, Anxiety, Obesity, Isolation and the collateral damage to children, family and friends.

I am not entitled to my parents money… as a loan, gift, inheritance etc.  I will grow up!  It’s not my money.  I will earn my own money, then spend it as I see fit.  If I want to give it to my kids, then fine… if not, that’s fine too.  Any hurt feelings are the responsiblity of the person whose feelings are hurt.  No one has the right to force me to hand out my property to anyone.  If I do so, it will be by my choice.

Nobody is obligated to me.  Not my friends, associates, parents, children, neighbors, employees, employers, et al.  I enjoy helping others VOLUNTARILY… and I expect nothing in return.  If I get my feelings hurt it is because I expected something, and that’s my fault.  I will learn to get over it by not projecting my expectations onto others.

I will only receive the voluntary kindness of those who can tolerate me… and there will be precious few who will choose to do so.  And, that’s the way it goes.  Because of this, I appreciate those tolerant enough to be my friend… whatever flavor of friend that might be.

It is my responsibility to understand the decisions I make and take responsibility for the outcomes.  It is my responsibility because that is what is required to remain free.  My Liberty depends on it.

I will work every moment of my life to remind myself of this by choking down my personal gallon of Humble Juice each and every day.”  (In my case, chased with two fingers of single malt scotch.)

(One of my personal favorites… mainly because of the underwear comment.  Originally posted 102912)


There’s Nothing Good About the NSA’s Pajama Boy

Emergency Notification From BOB and the Duffle Blog….  Apparently this Little Deep State A-Hole knows when you’ve been sleeping, and knows when you’re awake, then decides when you’ve been bad or good.

Thanks to the always-reliable news site The Duffel Blog, we now know that the “Elf on a Shelf” is actually an intelligence gathering operation run by the NSA. Not everyone is taking this outrage lying down, however; some people have decided that it’s time to fight back:

via Resisting the surveillance state — bluebird of bitterness


Racist White Yogurt Company

… Refuses to do Business with Black NFL Quarterback!

In what can only be considered a Racist Action by a bigoted dairy company, Dannon Yogurt has cut ties with Cam Newton, the famous African-American Quarterback for the Carolina Panthers. For most of you who don’t know, The Carolina Panthers are an American Football Team who are part of The National Football League. The National Football League was a sports league that enjoy prominence in The United States prior to it’s players disrespecting Law Enforcement Officers Nationwide and subsequently achieved irrelevance beginning in the 2016 season extending into the 2017 season.

Given it is common knowledge that Dairy Products are Racist, it should come as no surprise such behavior is being displayed by Dannon who produces various White Dairy Products.

Link here for full story.

Update:  It is rumored that Dannon has made entreaties to Tom Brady, the famous White Quarterback of the New Jersey Patriots.  Our sources indicate that Brady was approached by Dannon to endorse their Activia product because of his incredibly crappy performance this year.  We have not received comment from Brady or the Patriots.

Update:  It has been confirmed that Tom Brady is being approached by Dannon.  Our sources indicate that Mr. Brady has been asked to sponsor Activia and part of the agreement is he Squat on the sideline during The National Anthem.  We understand that both parties are reportedly “Very close to a Deal.”


The Democrats in The House of Representatives want a New Face as their Leader

File Photo - Nancy Pelosi

File Photo – Nancy Pelosi

I’m not sure I understand…

Nancy Pelosi has a New Face every 9 months.

Isn’t that good enough?

What’s a Gal gotta do?


We Need Herpes!

Imagine…

…A world where Everyone had Herpes.

I learned from a friend of mine, who has this disease (“Disease” is such a derogatory term…), about a very close-knit, and intimate, community.  They communicate via the internet and have social functions, outdoor activities, share business leads, etc. etc.  It sounded charming…  Then something wonderful occurred to me.

If all of us had Herpes these folks could come out of the shadows, and we could live in a world of free love and unity!  Think about it… you cannot “run the risk” (such hateful words) of catching it when we all already have it.  In fact, we would make it a rite of passage to seek it out and embrace it, so to speak.  The inherent fairness makes my heart sing sweet wisdom.

We could do away with “treatments” as the stigma would be gone forever.  We all would understand each other because we would share a common experience every 30 days or so…  we would all be equal.  Beautiful!

So bring on the herpes for everyone!  Let true joy and equality reign!

Demand it!  Roll out the chants!

“We wont go… until We All can’t go!”

It’s gonna be Viral!

 

Sound stupid?  Then why do we act this way regarding Socialism?

And just like herpes, once you get it you can never get rid of it.

The only upside is Herpes has not killed over 100 Million Innocent people and counting… while oppressing and enslaving Hundreds of Millions more.


An Epic Battle over All They Survey

I’ve found myself at the forefront of a Battle the likes of which has never been seen… maybe.

So there I was minding my own business when I noticed something odd… strange even. At first I dismissed it as ‘just a dirty window’ but quickly realized it was Dog Snot. For those of you who own dogs you already know that this occurrence, dog snot on windows, does not rise to “odd” or “strange”. But it was not the snot… it was the abundance and location that raised it to remarkable.

Let me explain, our home is our castle and as such has windows throughout with a walled backyard.  A number of these windows run roughly floor to ceiling because we invite our very small spot on this earth into our home… visually. That being said, when I noticed an unbroken 8 in. swath of haze looking like a long, dried, sneeze running the length of each window, I became perplexed. I couldn’t figure out how such an event could happen so suddenly without my noticing it.

But I had suspects.

Three height challenged ones to be exact.

I’ll offer to those of you who have lives, and do not wait eagerly for each and every inane utterance tapped out on this site, that we have an agreement with several small rescue dogs.  They get to live with us and we get to feed them.

To make a long story longer, after I finished my search for dog snot throughout the house, with Windex and paper towels in hand, I had nothing left to do but wait… with a short scotch.

While we’re waiting…

I should also let you know a couple of years ago a family of Road Runners adopted our neighborhood.  They have spawned several offspring and completely decimated our lizard population.  We’ve all had the good fortune to watch ‘the circle of life’ in play without sending Jim Fowler down to wrestle anything dangerous or anthropomorphic cartoons singing and dancing the sheer terror of it away.  Anyway…

The Waiting was over!  Without warning, as if out of nowhere, came my answer!

The silence was murdered by a cacophony of small dogs yelling their ridiculously small heads off with their tiny, slimy, noses pressed all over my freshly cleaned windows.  The troika was growing louder and more hysterical with each passing moment, and that’s when I saw one of our new neighbors walk calmly to less than a foot from my apoplectic herd on the other side of the window… and stare.  Just stare.  Only occasionally shifting its gaze from one to the other for what seemed to be an eternity.

It was clear.  The new neighbors had claimed our yard as eminent domain.

It goes without saying, the previous owners were none too happy.

So I walk over to the back door and opened it… out rushed the herd screaming whatever it is that they thought would intimidate this brazen interloper.  (I don’t speak dog, so I don’t know exactly what they were yelling, but I suspect it was laced with expletives.)

For reference, The Road Runner is a reasonably large bird.  It is also a pack hunter.  And… it is indeed fast, as well as intelligent.

All of the above traits, particularly the ‘intelligent’ one, do not work in favor of the Chihuahua’s.

The intruder cavalierly jumped up onto our side wall and stared at the dogs some more with a long pregnant pause.

Then hopped away.

That was the first salvo I witnessed.  But I know the war continues.  I’m beginning to believe the Road Runners are enjoying it.  I’ve watched them come up to our french door and peer inside as if looking for my host of hapless idiots.  I have watched them ‘circle’ my little batch of fools while perched just out of reach.  I have, I believe, watched the family allow my dogs to chase them across the yard only to follow them back when the dogs walk away.  I think they are playing… but I know for sure the dogs are not.

So on goes this little internecine battle over control of territory outside our windows.

On the upside, the dogs still think they own the inside… and I have plenty of paper towels.

On the downside, I don’t want to tell our gaggle of goofs that they are outmatched and lost the war over the outside a couple of years ago.  It would break their little stupid hearts.