Category Archives: Humor

Over the Hill and Through the Woods…

…to the Drunk Uncle’s House we go.

It’s that time of year again. Seems like it was just last year…

Occasionally I like to share certain things allowing a brief glimpse into my exceptionally average life. This year it will be the formula for my Turkey… which is my responsibility. I’m not complaining, it allows me to support some sense of sanity.

(Note: I have no issue killing Turkey’s.  It’s the heinous acts perpetrated upon them after they’re dead that I’m trying to stop.  You people are sick.)

Enjoy.

So Easy it Should be Illegal Turkey, Stuffing and Gravy.

Start gathering the below crap together FIRST…

Day before ingredients:

Brine:

2 cups Salt

½ cup Sugar

Thing to put Turkey in overnight:

(1) Large portable, sealable container

Day of Turkey ingredients:

(1) 12-15 pound Turkey w/giblets

String

BIG Roasting Pan – the Aluminum throw away ones are fine. You typically get 3 to a pack… so you can make hats out of the other two. Perfect!

3 – 12oz. cans Chicken Stock, or bullion, or make your own from the chicken in your neighbor’s yard. I’ve done all three and other than time… effort… and years of lying about what happened to the chickens, it’s all about the same.

1-stick butter (soft)

½ cup O.J.

1-sliced apple

5-sprigs Thyme

5-sprigs Rosemary

5-sprigs Sage

3-sprigs Savory

5-peeled carrots

2-medium onions or 4 large shallots chopped

2-cups chopped Celery

6-slices bacon

Day of Gravy ingredients:

2-shot’s Dry Sherry

1-pint whipping/heavy cream (optional)

2-tablespoon’s Corn Starch or a “cold rue” which is just equal parts butter and flour mashed together until you get a paste. I find the rue easier to use.

2-clove’s Garlic

1-teaspoon Ground Paprika, deepens the flavor and helps make the gravy yellow.

Day of Stuffing ingredients:

2-bags Pepperidge Farms Stuffing (Any variety… I like Country) I know it’s cheating… and? (If you want to dry out your own bread, OK. Cube it and dust it with garlic salt and Sage/Thyme/Rosemary then bake till hard, dry and slightly brown.) By the time you’re done with the above cubing, dusting and baking you could have bought the bags, spent less money and time with nobody being any wiser. There’s plenty of work ahead for everybody to be impressed.

Gather all of this stuff around you within easy reach FIRST. It will go much faster and you’ll remember everything when you need to remember it.

Day before instructions:

Step 1.  Pour 2 cups Salt and ½ cup Sugar into the container. Add water to dissolve.

Step 2. Place thawed Turkey (with giblets still in neck cavity) into the container.

Step 3.  Cover with water completely and seal/close the container. (Yes, I know it floats.)

Step 4. Place the container outside, if not below freezing, overnight. If it’s freezing, then put it in the garage. The object is to keep the Turkey COLD so nobody dies… there is no point in killing anybody, at least on Thanksgiving. Don’t worry too much, I’ve done this for 20 years and never killed anybody, yet… on Thanksgiving… day… before 5pm… except that once…

Day of Turkey Instructions:

Step 1.  Remove all but a lower rack in Oven. Pre-heat to 250 degrees.

Step 2.  Remove Turkey from container and drain well. Remove giblets (That’s all the gut’s stuffed inside which they have helpfully enclosed in a blood soaked bag.) and put into pot on stove. (We’ll come back to them) Pat dry the Turkey with paper towels. This will make it crisp. I’ve seen people use a hair-dryer… if you’re so inclined. If you choose to do this, adopt a 1000-yard stare and don’t explain it to anybody.  It makes Thanksgiving so much more fun when they think you’re insane.

Step 3. In large Roasting Pan add onion, then celery and place carrots at an angle lengthwise in pan. (i.e./////) The Turkey will sit on them keeping the Turkey off the bottom of the pan. OR, just buy a roasting rack. But that costs money and all of this was designed to just throw it away when you’re done. Your choice.

Step 4.  Add 3 cans of Chicken Stock to pan.

Step 5.  Place Turkey in pan on top of carrots.

Step 6.  Insert/shove/massage apple slices and herb sprigs (saving a sprig of each for gravy) into Turkey cavities front and back, tie legs together with string. (The TURKEY LEGS… seriously… I worry about you people. Sometimes I think you’re being funny, other times not so much.) Now for the gourmet secret; I like bacon wrapped around the wing and leg tips to keep them from burning or browning too much. This is easier than using string that is difficult to tie and leaves marks on your bird. USE THE STRING ON THE LEGS, but then take strips of bacon and wrap it around the tips of the wing and lay directly on top of the legs. You’ll amaze your in-laws by being sooooo smart.

Step 7. Mix butter and O.J. together in a bowl. Wash your hands. (You probably should have done this earlier… but I know how you are.) Now apply mixture to the Turkey with your fingers. It should be gooey/messy but I haven’t found a better way yet. Rub it all over the Turkey. It’s very therapeutic, and you know your done when the other people in the kitchen begin to feel a bit uncomfortable. It shouldn’t take but a couple of minutes. I like a little extra salt and pepper on the outside too, but it’s up to you.

Step 8. Place it all into preheated oven. Set a timer for 1 hour for each 3-1/2 pounds of bird. Remember, this isn’t your mothers bird. We are NOT taking all this time to burn the crap out of it or dehydrate it for future generations. There is NO stuffing on the inside, thus it will cook faster at lower temperatures than usual. If anyone tries to argue with you, stab them. (Be careful not to kill them… refer to Day Before; step #4)

Step 9.  Baste this thing about every 30 minutes until the last 2 hours and while you’re in there make sure the fluid level is OK. Then, LEAVE IT ALONE. This will make it crispy. I did say leave it alone, didn’t I?

Step 10. Remove Bird and transfer to Turkey plate (the giant plate with fancy crap on it that is located in the very back of your cupboard because you haven’t used it in years… if ever. Typically a gift from much older relatives given to you when you got married with the idea that you would be possessed by Norman Rockwell and don the June Cleaver pumps and pearls. (That goes for the guys too, you know who you are.)) Remove any bits of bacon and toss back into pan. Just kind of gaze upon the bird… gently/lovingly. If you act this way the in-laws will either think you’re “in the zone” or dipping into the sherry and pain killers. Either way they will leave you alone, which can be nice during the Holidays.

Day of Gravy instructions:

Step 1.  Add water to giblets (guts) sitting on stove. Turn on to medium heat at the same time you put the Turkey in the oven and bring to a boil. You will have to periodically add water, as you are boiling these things to death. That’s the point, we are making a stock for gravy. Boil, boil, boil.

Step 2. Add left over sprigs to the pot.

Step 3. Add crushed or chopped Garlic.

Step 4. Add Dry Sherry. If you have purchased a bottle for this occasion, we’ll use relatively little of it. So go ahead and have a shot… that’s right… from the bottle. It’s OK, nobody’s looking! They do it at home too, go ahead… OK, that’s enough, put it down. PUT IT DOWN.

Step 5.  I like to add my salt here, to taste, so I don’t have to worry about it later. It also saves lives… as I don’t have to hear anybody bitch about how much salt I choose to use or not use, and then be forced to challenge Day Before; step #4.

Step 6.  Time the boiling process for it.  It should be reduced to about half of the pot when the Turkey has 30-minutes left. When the timer hits 30 minutes left on the Oven, strain the liquid and giblets (guts) from the stock. Again, set the giblets (guts) aside to cool, as you will use these for their “meat” and put it back into the gravy.

Step 7.  Put the liquid back on to boil.. Allow to simmer until it just barely starts to taste right.

Step 8.  Add Paprika and stir. It should turn yellow… right?   (No?  Throw everything away.  Just kidding… it will turn yellow.. er.)

Step 9. Dissolve cornstarch well in 1/4 cup of very cold water. Pour quickly into lightly boiling liquid. Bring back to a boil. The gravy should begin to thicken immediately with NO LUMPS. Follow my directions and NO LUMPS. If you’re using the “cold rue” then stir it in gradually with a whisk. (If you have a hand blender then screw it and dump it all in, just blend it in the pot till smooth. Then have a shot of sherry celebrating your ingenuity.)

Step 10. If satisfied with texture (if not, you can add a little more cornstarch, or rue, but don’t over do it) and the flavor, turn it to low and check occasionally. It’s ready to serve.

Step 11. (Optional) I like to peel the meat from the neck bone and chop up the giblets very small then put back into gravy. It adds a great flavor as well as texture, and improves the appearance. It’s up to you, but I recommend it.

Step 12. (Optional) If you find the relatives wanting to “share the spirit of the season” with you troubling… you may want to consider hurling the now empty Dry Sherry bottle through the closest window in a brief but explosive fit of inexplicable rage. Nothing says “Happy Thanksgiving” like the jolly sound of a loud, lone, angry voice and the merry tinkle of shattering glass. If this hits too close to home, feel free to ad-lib, just don’t mess up the food.

Day of Stuffing instructions:

Step 1.  Locate all the good stuff in the now still warm, but Turkey-less roasting pan. Remove carrots and chop. Yes I know their hot, if you can’t stand the heat get out of… I can’t remember how this quote goes but I think it ends with Sherry.  Throw chopped carrots back into pan.

Step 2.  Open packages of stuffing bread and throw (THE BREAD, NOT THE BAGS) into pan. STIR WELL ONCE! Cover with foil and leave it alone. If you fiddle with it, it will turn to mush.

I SAID NO FIDDLING. It will be ready to stir again in five minutes and serve in about 10 minutes. (I like to add an entire stick of butter and allowing it to melt prior to throwing in the bags of bread, but it’s your call.)

Well all right then… you’re finished!

Serve it up however you would like. I no longer care.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!  or, whatever…

IF IT’S STILL IN YOUR HAND, PUT THE SHERRY DOWN AND GO TALK TO THE RELATIVES, or open another bottle of Sherry and don’t talk to the relatives.  Either way is a path to something unhealthy.

We could go over potatoes but everybody has their own way of doing it and they all equally suck.

Cheers! – Mike


LeBron James Changed My Mind

File Photo – LeBron James

Dear Reader, I have been remiss in my support of the Hong Kong protestors.
I am typing this today to admit that after hearing LeBron James explain it all to me I have changed my mind. We have all been there… when confronted with a superior argument one has no other recourse but to admit one’s error and adopt a new position. So you can understand what I’m talking about, Mr. James’ explanation regarding His and the NBA’s position on not supporting the Hong Kong protestors is below.  (Full link here.)

“I don’t want to get into a [verbal] feud with Daryl Morey, but I believe he wasn’t educated on the situation at hand, and he spoke,” James said before the Los Angeles Lakers played the Golden State Warriors in a preseason game at Staples Center. “And so many people could have been harmed not only financially, physically, emotionally, spiritually. So just be careful what we tweet and say and we do, even though, yes, we do have freedom of speech, but there can be a lot of negative that comes with that, too.”

– LeBron James

It’s fair to say that I occasionally fall on my sword for Freedom, Free Speech and Individual Diversity when I should be more considerate when it comes to profiting off of the systematic oppression of others.  After hearing LeBron, I realize I am the problem.  I am insensitive.  I lack empathy.

I apologize.

With that in mind, compounded with my desire to repent my uneducated, naive and misguided ways, I will capitalize on my extensive background in media and marketing. I would like to offer the NBA coaches and players a few tag lines they can apply while speaking/tweeting on this issue.

1.  Assimilate Hong Kong!

2.  Oppress Hong Kong!

3.  Enslave Hong Kong!

(Runner up: 4.  Shut up and Buy Our Shoes!)

All of the above meet the “Simple, Powerful, Direct” requirement of a solid information campaign meant to clearly communicate intent and purpose.  All three may be employed so long as they are repeated at least once at every given opportunity.  You’re welcome.

I also have a few suggestions for Tibet…  but it involves renaming the region and some of it’s inhabitants “Nike”.  The Nike Lama… The Dalai Addidas… seriously… it could work.  This pitch could also be applied to Taiwan and the Senkaku islands with minor adjustments saving China the cost of creating a fresh new campaign.  Kerrwan and the Popovich Islands has a nice ring to it…

 

 


Biden 2020!

It’s official, I’m jumping on the Biden 2020 Bandwagon.
Simply put, This man has earned my support.
Some of you may be asking why I have decided to go this direction so early in the Election Process.
Well, let me be clear…
I find him endlessly entertaining.
It might be the very first time I would DVR the debates between two Presidential Candidates just so I can watch them over and over.  It would be the gift that would give and give…
Frankly, the determining factor was Corn Pop.
Yes, a pomade laden gangster with a straight razor and a penchant for diving convinced me that Joe Biden was my guy.
So I’m going to turn my record player on and cheer old Joe till the bitter end.

GO JOE!


Please Note: 2019 Administrative Update to FBI Employee Manual

Following this morning’s release of the IG report, the FBI Employee Manual was updated to reflect changes in acceptable handling of Classified Material.

The Manual now reads:

“Should an Employee desire to make available Classified material to a party or parties without appropriate clearance they must first write down the information or place it in a separate memo aside from the immediate document. Then the Employee is required to “give it to a friend” who may, or may not, be associated with the FBI but who has contacts outside the FBI. Along with this transfer, the Employee must also provide direction as to who the material should ultimately be given to and what desired action should be taken with that material.”

This Update serves as a “mirror” needed to establish standard operating procedures following the State Department Employee Manual Update of July 5th, 2016, which outlined the permissibility of State Department Officials to transfer Classified Material through remote personal servers in order to bypass Government Monitored Information Systems so long as those servers were located in non-secure, publically accessible, locations such as basements and bathrooms and administered by individuals without the appropriate security clearances.  (The State Department Update was clarifying what was up to that point referred to as the “Sandy Berger Section“.)

If you maintain the equivalency of a GS-13 or above, please make the appropriate adjustments to your methodologies.  If you do not hold one of the above pay grades these changes do not apply to you.

Also, please do not contact your supervisor if you have any questions.  All questions and relevant concerns should be directed to the New York Times.  If your superior contacts you, or has intermediaries contact you, regarding these changes in methods or implementation of them, you should obfuscate and when circumstances allow, contact the New York Times.  If for any reason anyone in the press contacts you regarding these methodologies, you should contact the New York Times.

 

—End—


Why I love the Russians…

Scientists distill vodka from Chernobyl’s radioactive exclusion zone and say it seems safe to drink

By Christopher Brito  (August 9, 2019 / 4:50 PM / CBS News)

Scientists have distilled vodka from ingredients found in the Chernobyl exclusion zone, creating the first consumer product out of the area since the nuclear disaster over 30 years ago. Called Atomik, the artisan vodka is actually an experiment from researchers looking into how much radioactivity would transfer over to crops grown in the zone, according to the Chernobyl Spirit Company, the team that created it.

Chernobyl Spirit Company made the liquor out of rye grain they planted in the exclusion zone and water from an aquifer in Chernobyl. After distilling it and conducting tests, James Smith, a University of Portsmouth environmental scientist and part of the group, told CBS News partner BBC they concluded that their product is “no more radioactive than any other vodka.”

Atomik vodka was created as an experiment for scientists to analyze how much radioactivity transfers from crops grown in the Chernobyl exclusion zone. Chernobyl Spirit Company

“Any chemist will tell you, when you distill something, impurities stay in the waste product,” Smith said. They sent the Chernobyl vodka to Southhampton University in the U.K. to undergo testing for possible radioactivity.

“They couldn’t find anything — everything was below their limit of detection,” he said.

The only problem with the vodka is that so far there’s only one bottle of it, according to the BBC. The team said in a blog post they plan on making more bottles of Atomik, with the hope of making a profit to help local communities that surround the abandoned zone.

The recent HBO series “Chernobyl” renewed interest in the disaster and the site where it transpired. Fears of radiation have kept many away from the exclusion zone, which was evacuated in the aftermath of the 1986 nuclear accident, but thousands of tourists now travel to the site every year. So many, in fact, that Ukraine’s president announced plans to make the site and surrounding areas more tourist friendly. The plans include new waterways and checkpoints in the area, enhanced cellphone reception and new walking trails. Filming restrictions will also be lifted.

Back in April 1986, when the region was part of the Soviet Union, a reactor at the Chernobyl nuclear power plant exploded, resulting in at least 32 deaths in the immediate aftermath. After initially downplaying the risk, the communist regime soon forced thousands of people to evacuate, turning the nearby city of Pripyat into a ghost town. Hundreds of square miles surrounding the reactor remain off limits.

(Russian Editor’s note:  Animal on label is Squirrel.)


Feliz Cinco de Mayo!

Join me (once again… and again… and again…) in raising a shot glass full of Tequila paired with a fine, German Crafted, Mexican Cerveza celebrating just one of a long list of French military defeats.
Since turning French military catastrophe into holidays would leave us with little time to actually work, we in the U.S. and Mexico have decided that the 5th of May will be it.

Viva Cinco de Mayo!

It was a turning point for the Mexican army (under Seguin) when they defeated the French at Puebla… Blah, blah, blah, Whatever…

While I certainly give credit to the Mexican army for defeating the French… so has everyone else.  In other words it’s a huge, not so exclusive, club with an  ever-expanding membership… kind of like Costco.  As far as I’m concerned, I’ll toast Mexico as well as all those throughout history who have kept the French contained and focused on making cheese, creating recipes for animals humans would otherwise not eat and various delightfully fluffy egg dishes.

Salud!


Did Anyone Catch Chuck Standing Up for all those innocent lives taken by Illegals?

This morning Chuck Schumer stood up for Victims and the Families who have lost loved ones at the hands of illegal aliens.

I agree… a Wall will be ineffective…

I would let the Socialists have their talking point while ADDING more Personnel, Aircraft, Detention Centers, Drones, LiDar, GPRS, Seismic Sensors, Flooding Devices, Robotic Dogs, Sound and Microwave Deterents (ADS), e-verify, Guard Goats, Stinging Wasps, Mariachis, etc. etc.

Since it’s a Fast Food Freak Out weekend…

In the famous words of Taco Bell;

Run to the Border!

 

(It should also be known that I would support a vastly expanded Work Visa program combined with a removal of the Welfare benefits for those not currently citizens.  People who want to come here to work should be able to do so as long as they return to their home country for at least two weeks and secure a new, current, work visa upon each entry.  If they want to great things Americans get like a vote and Tax payer’s money they will need to get in line like eveyoneelse.  Seems super simple… because it is.  La Gran Mentira.)


Nancy Pelosi Wins Race for House Majority Leader! Dow Tanks!

File Photo – Nancy Pelosi

Makes sense to me…

 


FLASH: Neo-Nazi’s Offer Elizabeth Warren a Job

The largest Affiliation of United States Neo-Nazis has offered Elizabeth Warren a Role in their Organization. According to Helmut Smith, Human Resources Director for the National Socialist Democratic Party of Massachusetts, Senator Warren is being offered the position of Generaloberstabsrichter.
When we contacted Mr. Smith he explained to us that his organization has had their eye on Senator Warren for some time but it wasn’t until her latest DNA results that they decided they had to make the leadership offer.

“Yes, we have watched Frau Warren for many years. Her background in Socialist ideology and willingness to continue forward when all seems lost are both strong attribute. But now that she has demonstrated a level of Racial Purity which would be the envy of every SS Officer to have ever applied for the honor, well, we had no choice but to extend the offer. We are confident that she will make a great Leader for our cause once we explain the only difference between her cherished version of Socialism and ours is how property is held… and of course way better uniforms.  Besides, she already has the haircut.” – Helmut Smith HR Dir. NAZIMass

We are awaiting comment from Senator Warren’s office and will update as necessary.


In Defense of Elizabeth Warren…

Is it Xenophobia?

The Cherokee Nation has spoken:

“A DNA test is useless to determine tribal citizenship. Current DNA tests do not even distinguish whether a person’s ancestors were indigenous to North or South America,” Cherokee Nation Secretary of State Chuck Hoskin Jr. said. “Sovereign tribal nations set their own legal requirements for citizenship, and while DNA tests can be used to determine lineage, such as paternity to an individual, it is not evidence for tribal affiliation” – Cherokee Nation Secretary of State Chuck Hoskin Jr.

What Mr. Hoskin is refusing to accept is the Reality that Elizabeth Warren is simply an “Undocumented Cherokee”. Ms. Warren is here whether Mr. Hoskin and his Tribe, like it or not. Since she is already claiming Cherokee Heritage and has acted as a member in good standing of the Cherokee Nation for Decades it is only reasonable that the Cherokee Nation accept her and provide full rights and benefits as possessed by every Cherokee Tribe Member. I should remind Mr. Hoskin that Senator Warren has contributed greatly to the Tribe from her representation as a ‘Person of Color’ at Harvard to Cookbooks highlighting uniquely Native American Cuisine. Senator Warren has promoted the Tribes by personally excelling through a life of Socialist politics while positively absolutely and without question not capitalizing on her Native American Identity.

My message to Mr. Hoskin is as follows:

Dear Mr. Hoskin Jr.,

I hope the Sovereign Nations can pry themselves away from what civilized people would consider a 19th Century mindset.

The World is Not Flat, Mr. Hoskins.

Elizabeth Warren is Native American because she says she is. You must respect that.

Due Regards,
Chief