Category Archives: Humor

Racist White Yogurt Company

… Refuses to do Business with Black NFL Quarterback!

In what can only be considered a Racist Action by a bigoted dairy company, Dannon Yogurt has cut ties with Cam Newton, the famous African-American Quarterback for the Carolina Panthers. For most of you who don’t know, The Carolina Panthers are an American Football Team who are part of The National Football League. The National Football League was a sports league that enjoy prominence in The United States prior to it’s players disrespecting Law Enforcement Officers Nationwide and subsequently achieved irrelevance beginning in the 2016 season extending into the 2017 season.

Given it is common knowledge that Dairy Products are Racist, it should come as no surprise such behavior is being displayed by Dannon who produces various White Dairy Products.

Link here for full story.

Update:  It is rumored that Dannon has made entreaties to Tom Brady, the famous White Quarterback of the New Jersey Patriots.  Our sources indicate that Brady was approached by Dannon to endorse their Activia product because of his incredibly crappy performance this year.  We have not received comment from Brady or the Patriots.

Update:  It has been confirmed that Tom Brady is being approached by Dannon.  Our sources indicate that Mr. Brady has been asked to sponsor Activia and part of the agreement is he Squat on the sideline during The National Anthem.  We understand that both parties are reportedly “Very close to a Deal.”

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The Democrats in The House of Representatives want a New Face as their Leader

File Photo - Nancy Pelosi

File Photo – Nancy Pelosi

I’m not sure I understand…

Nancy Pelosi has a New Face every 9 months.

Isn’t that good enough?

What’s a Gal gotta do?


We Need Herpes!

Imagine…

…A world where Everyone had Herpes.

I learned from a friend of mine, who has this disease (“Disease” is such a derogatory term…), about a very close-knit, and intimate, community.  They communicate via the internet and have social functions, outdoor activities, share business leads, etc. etc.  It sounded charming…  Then something wonderful occurred to me.

If all of us had Herpes these folks could come out of the shadows, and we could live in a world of free love and unity!  Think about it… you cannot “run the risk” (such hateful words) of catching it when we all already have it.  In fact, we would make it a rite of passage to seek it out and embrace it, so to speak.  The inherent fairness makes my heart sing sweet wisdom.

We could do away with “treatments” as the stigma would be gone forever.  We all would understand each other because we would share a common experience every 30 days or so…  we would all be equal.  Beautiful!

So bring on the herpes for everyone!  Let true joy and equality reign!

Demand it!  Roll out the chants!

“We wont go… until We All can’t go!”

It’s gonna be Viral!

 

Sound stupid?  Then why do we act this way regarding Socialism?

And just like herpes, once you get it you can never get rid of it.

The only upside is Herpes has not killed over 100 Million Innocent people and counting… while oppressing and enslaving Hundreds of Millions more.


An Epic Battle over All They Survey

I’ve found myself at the forefront of a Battle the likes of which has never been seen… maybe.

So there I was minding my own business when I noticed something odd… strange even. At first I dismissed it as ‘just a dirty window’ but quickly realized it was Dog Snot. For those of you who own dogs you already know that this occurrence, dog snot on windows, does not rise to “odd” or “strange”. But it was not the snot… it was the abundance and location that raised it to remarkable.

Let me explain, our home is our castle and as such has windows throughout with a walled backyard.  A number of these windows run roughly floor to ceiling because we invite our very small spot on this earth into our home… visually. That being said, when I noticed an unbroken 8 in. swath of haze looking like a long, dried, sneeze running the length of each window, I became perplexed. I couldn’t figure out how such an event could happen so suddenly without my noticing it.

But I had suspects.

Three height challenged ones to be exact.

I’ll offer to those of you who have lives, and do not wait eagerly for each and every inane utterance tapped out on this site, that we have an agreement with several small rescue dogs.  They get to live with us and we get to feed them.

To make a long story longer, after I finished my search for dog snot throughout the house, with Windex and paper towels in hand, I had nothing left to do but wait… with a short scotch.

While we’re waiting…

I should also let you know a couple of years ago a family of Road Runners adopted our neighborhood.  They have spawned several offspring and completely decimated our lizard population.  We’ve all had the good fortune to watch ‘the circle of life’ in play without sending Jim Fowler down to wrestle anything dangerous or anthropomorphic cartoons singing and dancing the sheer terror of it away.  Anyway…

The Waiting was over!  Without warning, as if out of nowhere, came my answer!

The silence was murdered by a cacophony of small dogs yelling their ridiculously small heads off with their tiny, slimy, noses pressed all over my freshly cleaned windows.  The troika was growing louder and more hysterical with each passing moment, and that’s when I saw one of our new neighbors walk calmly to less than a foot from my apoplectic herd on the other side of the window… and stare.  Just stare.  Only occasionally shifting its gaze from one to the other for what seemed to be an eternity.

It was clear.  The new neighbors had claimed our yard as eminent domain.

It goes without saying, the previous owners were none too happy.

So I walk over to the back door and opened it… out rushed the herd screaming whatever it is that they thought would intimidate this brazen interloper.  (I don’t speak dog, so I don’t know exactly what they were yelling, but I suspect it was laced with expletives.)

For reference, The Road Runner is a reasonably large bird.  It is also a pack hunter.  And… it is indeed fast, as well as intelligent.

All of the above traits, particularly the ‘intelligent’ one, do not work in favor of the Chihuahua’s.

The intruder cavalierly jumped up onto our side wall and stared at the dogs some more with a long pregnant pause.

Then hopped away.

That was the first salvo I witnessed.  But I know the war continues.  I’m beginning to believe the Road Runners are enjoying it.  I’ve watched them come up to our french door and peer inside as if looking for my host of hapless idiots.  I have watched them ‘circle’ my little batch of fools while perched just out of reach.  I have, I believe, watched the family allow my dogs to chase them across the yard only to follow them back when the dogs walk away.  I think they are playing… but I know for sure the dogs are not.

So on goes this little internecine battle over control of territory outside our windows.

On the upside, the dogs still think they own the inside… and I have plenty of paper towels.

On the downside, I don’t want to tell our gaggle of goofs that they are outmatched and lost the war over the outside a couple of years ago.  It would break their little stupid hearts.


A Day Without an Immigrant

It has become clear that the only folks who will suffer A Day Without an Immigrant will be at CPAC.

I have stockpiled various sundries preparing for this rumored day without an immigrant because I recognize how devastating to the United States this will be. It was to my profound embarrassment when I was informed that the “A Day Without an Immigrant” demonstration was last week. Last week… and I missed it. So I have spent the entire morning mixing powdered milk with my scotch. Not sure how I’m going to use 300lbs of salt, but I like it in beer… so I’ll get to work on that this afternoon.

Meanwhile, I have observed the ‘modern day lynching’ of Milo Yiannopoulos.

I am a supporter of Milo. I will continue to support Milo. I do not support Milo because I’m gay… I’m not. At my age I would know by now. I support him because he is brilliant. I support him because he is an extremely effective weapon in the war against those who wish to oppress us. He is powerful as demonstrated by the leftist hordes of Useful Idiots who gather to greet him with misspelled signs, vitriol and violence wherever he goes. He is as rude as he is irritating to the Socialists who think they own the ‘under 30’ crowd. In the end, we cannot get back to where we need to be without individuals like Milo.

When I heard that CPAC had pulled their support by ‘Uninviting him to speak’ my first thought was “of course they did”. For the record, I’m ‘uninviting all those CPAC a-holes from speaking at my house’ indefinitely. Milo has clarified his comments, although I don’t think they needed clarification, and the information is out there regarding what he said and meant. If you are going to condemn him while refusing to read, watch or review more than what information has been force-fed to you then you have a problem that probably extends beyond some dude named Milo. And if this IS you, you might consider what role you play in advocacy of the Comfortably Dumb. I never expect agreement, but I always expect you to makeaneffort.

I want to keep this Simple, Powerful and Direct. I think I have.

Now have to go check the Rum cakes I’m baking with the long ton of unbleached flour piled in my living room.


I’ll take “The Definition of Fascism” for the win, Alex.

liberal-logic-101-5540


Breaking: The End of Trump! *Updated* *Updated*

2/8/2017, Bethesda MD: Returning from a scheduled visit to Walter Reed Medical Center President Donald Trump had his motorcade make an unannounced stop at Pet Mac, a Bethesda Pet Shop. Press assigned to the trip reported the President entered the Pet Store and suddenly grabbed a cat then started petting it heavily. The cat reportedly didn’t appear to care. It is unknown at this time if the cat knew the President or had contact with the President before this event. Employees said they had no knowledge of the visit. However a clerk stated that it is not unusual to see rich and powerful men in their store staring at the cats. We have reached out to the cat in question but at the time of this article have not received comment.

Update:  The owner of Pet Mac, requesting her name not be used, contacted us after seeing our article.  She wanted to make it clear that no money was exchanged during the President’s visit.  She also assured us that Women, often repeat customers, regularly visit her cats but instead of petting them in the store, take five our six home with them at a time.

Update:  It has been brought to our attention that hanging on the back wall of Pet Mac is a signed picture of President Clinton.  When we asked the store owner about the picture she stated that President Clinton was a very frequent visitor, while he spent most of his time petting the cats he never took one home with him.