Over the Hill and Through the Woods…

…to the Drunk Uncle’s House we go.

It’s that time of year again. Seems like it was just last year…

Occasionally I like to share certain things allowing a brief glimpse into my exceptionally average life. This year it will be the formula for my Turkey… which is my responsibility. I’m not complaining, it allows me to support some sense of sanity.

(Note: I have no issue killing Turkey’s.  It’s the heinous acts perpetrated upon them after they’re dead that I’m trying to stop.  You people are sick.)

Enjoy.

So Easy it Should be Illegal Turkey, Stuffing and Gravy.

Start gathering the below crap together FIRST…

Day before ingredients:

Brine:

2 cups Salt

½ cup Sugar

Thing to put Turkey in overnight:

(1) Large portable, sealable container

Day of Turkey ingredients:

(1) 12-15 pound Turkey w/giblets

String

BIG Roasting Pan – the Aluminum throw away ones are fine. You typically get 3 to a pack… so you can make hats out of the other two. Perfect!

3 – 12oz. cans Chicken Stock, or bullion, or make your own from the chicken in your neighbor’s yard. I’ve done all three and other than time… effort… and years of lying about what happened to the chickens, it’s all about the same.

1-stick butter (soft)

½ cup O.J.

1-sliced apple

5-sprigs Thyme

5-sprigs Rosemary

5-sprigs Sage

3-sprigs Savory

5-peeled carrots

2-medium onions or 4 large shallots chopped

2-cups chopped Celery

6-slices bacon

Day of Gravy ingredients:

2-shot’s Dry Sherry

1-pint whipping/heavy cream (optional)

2-tablespoon’s Corn Starch or a “cold rue” which is just equal parts butter and flour mashed together until you get a paste. I find the rue easier to use.

2-clove’s Garlic

1-teaspoon Ground Paprika deepens the flavor and helps make the gravy yellow.

Day of Stuffing ingredients:

2-bags Pepperidge Farms Stuffing (Any variety… I like Country) I know it’s cheating… and? (If you want to dry out your own bread, OK. Cube it and dust it with garlic salt and Sage/Thyme/Rosemary then bake till hard, dry and slightly brown.) By the time you’re done with the above cubing, dusting, and baking you could have bought the bags, spent less money and time with nobody being any wiser. There’s plenty of work ahead for everybody to be impressed.

Gather all of this stuff around you within easy reach FIRST. It will go much faster and you’ll remember everything when you need to remember it.

Day before instructions:

Step 1.  Pour 2 cups Salt and ½ cup Sugar into the container. Add water to dissolve.

Step 2. Place thawed Turkey (with giblets still in the neck cavity) into the container.

Step 3.  Cover with water completely and seal/close the container. (Yes, I know it floats.)

Step 4. Place the container outside, if not below freezing, overnight. If it’s freezing, then put it in the garage. The object is to keep the Turkey COLD so nobody dies… there is no point in killing anybody, at least on Thanksgiving. Don’t worry too much, I’ve done this for 20 years and never killed anybody, yet… on Thanksgiving… day… before 5pm… except that once…

Day of Turkey Instructions:

Step 1.  Remove all but a lower rack in Oven. Pre-heat to 250 degrees.

Step 2.  Remove Turkey from container and drain well. Remove giblets (That’s all the gut’s stuffed inside which they have helpfully enclosed in a blood-soaked bag.) and put into a pot on the stove. (We’ll come back to them) Pat dry the turkey with paper towels. This will make it crisp. I’ve seen people use a hair-dryer… if you’re so inclined. If you choose to do this, adopt a 1000-yard stare, and don’t explain it to anybody.  It makes Thanksgiving so much more fun when they think you’re insane.

Step 3. In large Roasting Pan add onion, then celery, and place carrots at an angle lengthwise in the pan. (i.e./////) Turkey will sit on them keeping Turkey off the bottom of the pan. OR, just buy a roasting rack. But that costs money and all of this was designed to just throw it away when you’re done. Your choice.

Step 4.  Add 3 cans of Chicken Stock to the pan.

Step 5.  Place Turkey in pan on top of carrots.

Step 6.  Insert/shove/massage apple slices and herb sprigs (saving a sprig of each for gravy) into Turkey cavities front and back, tie legs together with string. (The TURKEY LEGS… seriously… I worry about you people. Sometimes I think you’re being funny, other times not so much.) Now for the gourmet secret; I like bacon wrapped around the wing and leg tips to keep them from burning or browning too much. This is easier than using a string that is difficult to tie and leaves marks on your bird. USE THE STRING ON THE LEGS, but then take strips of bacon and wrap it around the tips of the wing and lay directly on top of the legs. You’ll amaze your in-laws by being sooooo smart.

Step 7. Mix butter and O.J. together in a bowl. Wash your hands. (You probably should have done this earlier… but I know how you are.) Now apply the mixture to Turkey with your fingers. It should be gooey/messy but I haven’t found a better way yet. Rub it all over Turkey. It’s very therapeutic, and you know you’re done when the other people in the kitchen begin to feel a bit uncomfortable. It shouldn’t take but a couple of minutes. I like a little extra salt and pepper on the outside too, but it’s up to you.

Step 8. Place it all into a preheated oven. Set a timer for 1 hour for each 3-1/2 pounds of bird. Remember, this isn’t your mother’s bird. We are NOT taking all this time to burn the crap out of it or dehydrate it for future generations. There is NO stuffing on the inside, thus it will cook faster at lower temperatures than usual. If anyone tries to argue with you, stab them. (Be careful not to kill them… refer to Day Before; step #4)

Step 9.  Baste this thing about every 30 minutes until the last 2 hours and while you’re in there make sure the fluid level is OK. Then, LEAVE IT ALONE. This will make it crispy. I did say leave it alone, didn’t I?

Step 10. Remove Bird and transfer to Turkey plate (the giant plate with fancy crap on it that is located in the very back of your cupboard because you haven’t used it in years… if ever. Typically a gift from much older relatives given to you when you got married with the idea that you would be possessed by Norman Rockwell and don the June Cleaver pumps and pearls. (That goes for the guys too, you know who you are.)) Remove any bits of bacon and toss back into pan. Just kind of gaze upon the bird… gently/lovingly. If you act this way the in-laws will either think you’re “in the zone” or dipping into the sherry and pain killers. Either way they will leave you alone, which can be nice during the Holidays.

Day of Gravy instructions:

Step 1.  Add water to giblets (guts) sitting on the stove. Turn on to medium heat at the same time you put Turkey in the oven and bring to a boil. You will have to periodically add water, as you are boiling these things to death. That’s the point, we are making stock for gravy. Boil, boil, boil.

Step 2. Add leftover sprigs to the pot.

Step 3. Add crushed or chopped Garlic.

Step 4. Add Dry Sherry. If you have purchased a bottle for this occasion, we’ll use relatively little of it. So go ahead and have a shot… that’s right… from the bottle. It’s OK, nobody’s looking! They do it at home too, go ahead… OK, that’s enough, put it down. PUT IT DOWN.

Step 5.  I like to add my salt here, to taste, so I don’t have to worry about it later. It also saves lives… as I don’t have to hear anybody bitch about how much salt I choose to use or not use, and then be forced to challenge Day Before; step #4.

Step 6.  Time the boiling process for it.  It should be reduced to about half of the pot when Turkey has 30-minutes left. When the timer hits 30 minutes left on the Oven, strain the liquid and giblets (guts) from the stock. Again, set the giblets (guts) aside to cool, as you will use these for their “meat” and put it back into the gravy.

Step 7.  Put the liquid back on to boil.. Allow to simmer until it just barely starts to taste right.

Step 8.  Add Paprika and stir. It should turn yellow… right?   (No?  Throw everything away.  Just kidding… it will turn yellow.. er.)

Step 9. Dissolve cornstarch well in 1/4 cup of very cold water. Pour quickly into lightly boiling liquid. Bring back to a boil. The gravy should begin to thicken immediately with NO LUMPS. Follow my directions and NO LUMPS. If you’re using the “cold rue” then stir it in gradually with a whisk. (If you have a hand blender then screw it and dump it all in, just blend it in the pot till smooth. Then have a shot of sherry celebrating your ingenuity.)

Step 10. If satisfied with texture (if not, you can add a little more cornstarch or rue, but don’t overdo it) and the flavor, turn it to low and check occasionally. It’s ready to serve.

Step 11. (Optional) I like to peel the meat from the neck bone and chop up the giblets very small then put back into the gravy. It adds a great flavor as well as texture and improves the appearance. It’s up to you, but I recommend it.

Step 12. (Optional) If you find the relatives wanting to “share the spirit of the season” with you troubling… you may want to consider hurling the now empty Dry Sherry bottle through the closest window in a brief but explosive fit of inexplicable rage. Nothing says “Happy Thanksgiving” like the jolly sound of a loud, lone, angry voice and the merry tinkle of shattering glass. If this hits too close to home, feel free to ad-lib, just don’t mess up the food.

Day of Stuffing instructions:

Step 1.  Locate all the good stuff in the now still warm, but Turkey-less roasting pan. Remove carrots and chop. Yes, I know they’re hot, if you can’t stand the heat get out of… I can’t remember how this quote goes but I think it ends with Sherry.  Throw chopped carrots back into pan.

Step 2.  Open packages of stuffing bread and throw (THE BREAD, NOT THE BAGS) into pan. STIR WELL ONCE! Cover with foil and leave it alone. If you fiddle with it, it will turn to mush.

I SAID NO FIDDLING. It will be ready to stir again in five minutes and serve in about 10 minutes. (I like to add an entire stick of butter and allowing it to melt prior to throwing in the bags of bread, but it’s your call.)

Well all right then… you’re finished!

Serve it up however you would like. I no longer care.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!  or, whatever…

IF IT’S STILL IN YOUR HAND, PUT THE SHERRY DOWN AND GO TALK TO THE RELATIVES, or open another bottle of Sherry and don’t talk to the relatives.  Either way is a path to something unhealthy.

We could go over potatoes but everybody has their own way of doing it and they all equally suck.

Cheers! – Mike

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What!?

“U.S is now less popular in the region than at the end of the George W. Bush administration.” – USA Today 032113

Huh!?

I thought the election of Barack Obama was going to immediately turn a Middle East frown upside down…

In fact, I distinctly remember being told by people such as Micheal Moore and other bastions of brilliance that simply electing “the smartest person to ever run for President” our image in the Middle East would instantly be made entirely of Sunshine and Lollipops.

This was true of Clinton too… funny that the people who spout this kind of stupidity are never held accountable for their ridiculous assertions when it turns out to be hogwash.

Barack and Bill share a similar footnote in history.

I also have a good enough memory to recall that never has there been such a promise associated with a Republican or Independent candidate…

So why are those who embrace truth… or reality… or whatever you want to call the world as we actually know it… never given the credit they are due?

Those who are real, who grasp reality as it is, not as they wish it to be, never seem to receive accolades for their efforts to remain in the realm of facts?  The solutions they offer are always described by those living in Dreamland as “mean-spirited” and “cruel”.  Wishful thinking passes for logic.  Platitudes for meaning.

Yet those who spout nonsense and offer up completely unqualified, often fanciful, assessments of what the future will be if we just follow them are acclaimed as positive, and progressive, in their thinking… yet they are repeatedly, demonstrably and historically wrong.  So wrong in fact, that people often die…

And when it is beyond denial that they were wrong… when there can be no debate regarding the repeated error of their thinking…

Nothing.

No “review” of the statements made promoting their fouled “thought process”. No rebuke from the ever “watchful” media. No admonition from the populace that believes itself to be “informed” and “educated”…

Upon the rare occurrence that we hear anything it is most often a revision of history crafted to better accommodate their failings.

It’s time for truth, and reality to make an appearance in our government and the population should demand it.

Everything from “We don’t have a spending problem” to “Obama has a higher IQ than anyone who has ever sought the Presidency” does nothing but delude an already poorly informed electorate.

It’s enough to make you want to drink… more than normal… for me.

(Originally Posted 032213)

The above applies to the Global Warming ‘we’re all going to die by the year 2000’ crowd too… right Al?  How about those Ice Caps?  Exponentially growing Polar Bear Population?  Mass starvation due to Overpopulation?  Rising Sea levels consuming San Francisco by last year?  You people should be wearing sandwich boards in time square…

The Middle East Solution

I propose we solve the Middle East violence through a program of Understanding.

Here in the United States we have an abundance of Well Trained, Amazingly Equipped and Overly Funded Diversity Trainers.  (It’s worth noting that many of these same people are cross-trained in Sexual Harassment Education and Gender Sensitivity Issues.  All Added Value as far as my Proposal is concerned.)

I cannot believe it would take much to initiate a Mission composed of the Majority of these ‘Special Operators’ to head over to Syria and Iraq to impose Mandatory Diversity Training.  We can even make sure they wear comfortable shoes so they don’t challenge the President’s ‘No Boots on the Ground’ edict.

Finally, Taxpayer Dollars well spent.

And, Once all sides understand the Value of Diversity… Problem Solved… Forever.

Peace will be experienced throughout the land.

(There could be an obvious upside for those of us here in the U.S. if it doesn’t work out… but I’ll leave that for you guys to figure out.)

There is No Time to Waste.

Isn’t it worth the Life of a Child?

So let’s get started!

Xenophobia

If you don’t already… you will need to know this word.

xenophobia

[ ˌzēnəˈfōbēə, ˌzenə- ]

noun

intense or irrational dislike or fear of people from other countries.

Get ready to be accused of an intense hatred of those from other countries.  It’s coming to a bunch of stories near you.

Why?

Because You’re a Horrible Xenophobe.

Sure your concern about open borders and sophomoric screening of those few who come here legally is based entirely on your health.

Sure you could be so self-centered as to think Rapidly Fatal Diseases flooding into our Country and infecting your children is not a good idea.

And sure you might believe that the access of those who could be infected with such Diseases should be Extremely Limited, if not Halted, until we can get a handle on how we’re going to address these demonstrably Life Destroying Microbes.

All Hogwash!

Truth is, You’re just a Bigot who Hates.  You’re simply using the Lives of Your Children, Family, Friends and Neighbors as an Excuse to behave the way you have Always wanted to.  And that way is to Discriminate against other people who are different.  It doesn’t matter that ‘different’ means infected with a highly contagious, and constantly mutating, form of virus that causes epidemic levels of death.  No… the truth is, you’re a Xenophobe, as well as a Homophobe (if you forgot) and most certainly a Racist.

I’m glad we could get that out-of-the-way.  We all realize Honesty is the best policy.  And we all also know your supposed Fear is only a disguise for your inner drive to be a POS.

So… when your child comes home from school and says a couple of her classmates were taken to the nurses office because they were throwing up blood all over the Mrs. Giacomo’s Class during first period home room… you should remember that it’s no big deal.  Even when it happens again… and again…  Or when little Joey says his best friend has a cough that sounds like the Sea Lion he saw on the Zoo field trip, and it wont stop, so Joey ate his friend’s well coughed on lunch because Ms. Podesta said not to worry, it’s OK.  Just let it go.

And… when you go to the voting booth in few weeks to re-elect your favorite Democrat or Select Republican, who cares more about everything just like you, you should feel good because it was Your Guy who refused to secure the borders as a Demonstration of Their Tolerance and Love of All People … and it was the same Group who currently considers asking individuals coming into the United States from Countries infected with these diseases “Do you have Ebola?” to be ‘highly effective screening measures’ insured to protect you.  Plus, lest you forget, Their Liberal Progressive brilliance Forced Obama Care upon all of us, so now your Insurance Company has had to raise their rates, as well as their deductibles, and or leave your state altogether.  Oh, and you have a new Doctor… who you don’t know… and you can’t get in to see.

Nothing supports sound sleep like knowing the people you support are the Smartest People in the Room… just like you.  And They’re telling you not to worry.

Therefore… You’re not worried.

Because… you recognize Any other behavior would just illustrate an innate bigotry.  This is especially true if you’re White.  Because White People are born that way.  White Devils.

Feel better now that you know the truth that you’re a Racist Xenophobic Hater?

Good.

Oh, and I hear Rum is particularly good at killing Ebola.  You just have to drink a lot of it.  Rubbing it all over your body could help too.

Well… at least that’s what I’m going with.

(As a Note:  I’m not sure what you call someone who discriminates against a person with Ebola… or Pertussis, Tuberculosis, Malaria, Hemorrhagic Fever, Listeria, Lice, An Ax, Who is Covered in Blood, Has a Chainsaw and a mask made of Human Skin, Is Pointing a Gun at You and yelling to everyone that can hear them that they want to kill you… or Zombies… But it would Probably still make you a Xenophobic Hater.  I suggest the Rum.)

Schlock and Blah

For those of you who have not been paying attention to this latest episode of No Boots on the Ground (Kinda) let me point something out.

In an unprecedented breach, multiple Generals have come forward to criticize the Obama Administration’s approach to ISISISILALQEADA in the Middle East.

This happened three days ago… just before the bombing started.

It takes weeks to create a plan to bomb Bad Guys.  So these Men who came forward had knowledge of the Presidents Plan for Syria, and Iraq, yet came forward ANYWAY.

This can mean only one thing.

These Military Professionals do not believe the bombing of large sandy areas will do anything meaningful to our supposed enemies.  These Men knew what was afoot, and know it is political posturing lacking substance.  They know from experience that you cannot destroy an Idea from the air.

It will however make for fun video of bright rocket launches taken at night and large explosions.

And, this will provide ample opportunity for the White House to make frequent trips to the closest podium and hope the networks interrupt their current programming with their empty, undefined and intentionally difficult to understand statements.

All crafted as a cheap way to get the U.S. Masses to feel placated.  If things go south… will we hear a demand to put journalists on the ground to ‘cover the human toll’ war ravaged countries endure?  Flag draped coffins anyone?  With a Progressive Liberal in Office?  Of course not.

But then again, this is the Smartest Man to have ever been President.  He must know what he’s doing… in all things.

So maybe, unlike Bill Clinton’s Tomahawk Diplomacy, this bombing will be a brilliant solution none of us ‘unwashed’ are intelligent enough to understand.

I’ve been wrong before.

But let me ask… Why did we Leave?

That Stupid Ignorant Cowboy…

…Is sending our young Men and Women to War over Oil!

No Blood for Oil!  No Blood for Oil!  No Blood for Oil!

What?  Wait… Who?

Huh? This is Not about Oil? So What’s it about? Oh, right, the Common Evil thing. Sure. Got it.

Oh?… oh, oh?… just a second.

Ok… Sorry.

The Nobel Peace Prize Winning, Smartest Man to have ever held the Office of President of the United States… a Clean, Articulate, Black Man who has no Negro Dialect unless he wants to have one, has just launched a Humanitarian Effort to Stop the Common Evil in the Middle East.

Better?

Cool.

So is Oil the Common Evil?

No?

Ummm…

ISIL? Who?

The Islamic State in the Levant? Who the Hell is that?  What’s a Levant?

Right…. right… OK, sure… ok…

So the Levant is an area in the Middle East…  got it… but…

Iran is an Islamic State, right? What about all the other Islamic States?

They’re good the good guys?

Wait… huh?

Fine… whatever.

All I know is the Greatest President Ever has this all under control. And this is a War for all the right reasons… because the Enlightened Progressive Liberals are in charge of it. If something bad happens it will be the Stupid, Ignorant Cowboy George Bush’s Fault.

God George Bush was Stupid! Right?!  I mean What an Idiot!  Runnin’ around the world shootin’ people and blowin’ stuff up… what a Clown.

Hey…. What do all those bombs do to the climate?

NO… YOU SHUT UP! 

NO… YOU!

LET GO OF MY HAIR!

We Will DegradeThem!

With all the talk the Obama Administration, and the slavish media, is offering up regarding the degradation of the Terrorist A-holes overseas, and the subsequent deployment of apparently barefoot Special Operations Forces to hurl insults, I thought I’d help out.

The below is for all you Islamo-Fascists out there.

“Hey!”

“Yeah, YOU! You ISISISILISALQAEDA guy…!”

“The black sheets you wear look stupid!”

“It figures you have to drive American Armored Vehicles because you can’t build your own!”

“If you think you’re gonna get a Caliphate I have a Picture of the Prophet to show you!”

“You should try getting a shave and a job!”

“Your mothers never loved you!”

“Your father’s a drunk!”

“Your feet stink!”

“Your Sister is Hot!”

“You’ll never amount to anything!”

“Your Mom’s Mom is Jewish!”

“You smell like a Pig!”

“You’re Dumb!”

There… that should be enough to degrade them.

Now can we get on with the serious business of killing them?

Of course not… that might imply a desire to ‘win’.  A word with no Progressive Definition.  So we’ll stick with ‘Degrade’.

And on another note…

If, as they have in their wisdom proclaimed, the President and his State Department foresaw this Middle Eastern Meltdown coming once we pulled out, then why did they let it happen?  Think about this for a moment.  If they ‘knew’ what was going to happen such as the beheading of thousands, mass killing of innocent women and children, targeting of international journalists… ethnic cleansing… on and on…

Then why did they let it happen?

I think we should be far past any effectual use of the word ‘degrade’.

As James Carville stated just two days ago… “I don’t mind if he looks weak if ten days later he looks strong.”  Well James, The President has had YEARS to look strong.  He has had YEARS to exhibit anything that could be an example of consistent Foreign Policy.  While I know you deeply wish him to be strong, He’s not.  And the real reason for all the inconsistency and vacillation resulting in tumult and chaos is he’s a Socialist.

To be a Strong Socialist you have to be honest… and American’s have never like honest Socialists.

Initiate Countdown to President Obama Announcing His Victory in Ukraine

He Might as well add to the list of His Personal Successes like:

Shooting Bin Laden
Revolution in Egypt
Revolution in Syria
Victory in Libya
Turkey becoming the Worlds Largest State Sponsor of Terrorism

We’ll keep adding… ’cause that’s what He’d want us to do.

“Shoot at Everything that Flies, and take credit for Anything that Falls.”