Over the Hill and Through the Woods…

…to the Drunk Uncle’s House we go.

It’s that time of year again. Seems like it was just last year…

Occasionally I like to share certain things allowing a brief glimpse into my exceptionally average life. This year it will be the formula for my Turkey… which is my responsibility. I’m not complaining, it allows me to support some sense of sanity.

(Note: I have no issue killing Turkey’s.  It’s the heinous acts perpetrated upon them after they’re dead that I’m trying to stop.  You people are sick.)


So Easy it Should be Illegal Turkey, Stuffing and Gravy.

Start gathering the below crap together FIRST…

Day before ingredients:


2 cups Salt

½ cup Sugar

Thing to put Turkey in overnight:

(1) Large portable, sealable container

Day of Turkey ingredients:

(1) 12-15 pound Turkey w/giblets


BIG Roasting Pan – the Aluminum throw away ones are fine. You typically get 3 to a pack… so that’s 3-years worth. Perfect!

3 – 12oz. cans Chicken Stock, or bullion, or make your own from the chicken in your neighbor’s yard. I’ve done all three and other than time… effort… and years of lying about what happened to the chickens, it’s all about the same.

1-stick butter (soft)

½ cup O.J.

1-sliced apple

5-sprigs Thyme

5-sprigs Rosemary

5-sprigs Sage

3-sprigs Savory

5-peeled carrots

2-medium onions or 4 large shallots chopped

2-cups chopped Celery

6-slices bacon

Day of Gravy ingredients:

2-shot’s Dry Sherry

1-pint whipping/heavy cream (optional)

2-tablespoon’s Corn Starch or a “cold rue” which is just equal parts butter and flour mashed together until you get a paste. I find the rue easier to use.

2-clove’s Garlic

1-teaspoon Ground Paprika, deepens the flavor and helps make the gravy yellow.

Day of Stuffing ingredients:

2-bags Pepperidge Farms Stuffing (Any variety… I like Country) I know it’s cheating… and? (If you want to dry out your own bread, OK. Cube it and dust it with garlic salt and Sage/Thyme/Rosemary then bake till hard, dry and slightly brown.) By the time you’re done with the above cubing, dusting and baking you could have bought the bags, spent less money and time with nobody being any wiser. There’s plenty of work ahead for everybody to be impressed.

Gather all of this stuff around you within easy reach FIRST. It will go much faster and you’ll remember everything when you need to remember it.

Day before instructions:

Step 1.  Pour 2 cups Salt and ½ cup Sugar into the container. Add water to dissolve.

Step 2. Place thawed Turkey (with giblets still in neck cavity) into the container.

Step 3.  Cover with water completely and seal/close the container. (Yes, I know it floats.)

Step 4. Place the container outside, if not below freezing, overnight. If it’s freezing, then put it in the garage. The object is to keep the Turkey COLD so nobody dies… there is no point in killing anybody, at least on Thanksgiving. Don’t worry too much, I’ve done this for 20 years and never killed anybody, yet… on Thanksgiving… day… before 5pm… except that once…

Day of Turkey Instructions:

Step 1.  Remove all but a lower rack in Oven. Pre-heat to 250 degrees.

Step 2.  Remove Turkey from container and drain well. Remove giblets (That’s all the gut’s stuffed inside which they have helpfully enclosed in a blood soaked bag.) and put into pot on stove. (We’ll come back to them) Pat dry the Turkey with paper towels. This will make it crisp. I’ve seen people use a hair-dryer… if you’re so inclined. If you choose to do this, adopt a 1000-yard stare and don’t explain it to anybody.  It makes Thanksgiving so much more fun when they think you’re insane.

Step 3. In large Roasting Pan add onion, then celery and place carrots at an angle lengthwise in pan. (i.e./////) The Turkey will sit on them keeping the Turkey off the bottom of the pan. OR, just buy a roasting rack. But that costs money and all of this was designed to just throw it away when you’re done. Your choice.

Step 4.  Add 3 cans of Chicken Stock to pan.

Step 5.  Place Turkey in pan on top of carrots.

Step 6.  Insert/shove/massage apple slices and herb sprigs (saving a sprig of each for gravy) into Turkey cavities front and back, tie legs together with string. (The TURKEY LEGS… seriously… I worry about you people. Sometimes I think you’re being funny, other times not so much.) Now for the gourmet secret; I like bacon wrapped around the wing and leg tips to keep them from burning or browning too much. This is easier than using string that is difficult to tie and leaves marks on your bird. USE THE STRING ON THE LEGS, but then take strips of bacon and wrap it around the tips of the wing and lay directly on top of the legs. You’ll amaze your in-laws by being sooooo smart.

Step 7. Mix butter and O.J. together in a bowl. Wash your hands. (You probably should have done this earlier… but I know how you are.) Now apply mixture to the Turkey with your fingers. It should be gooey/messy but I haven’t found a better way yet. Rub it all over the Turkey. It’s very therapeutic, and you know your done when the other people in the kitchen begin to feel a bit uncomfortable. It shouldn’t take but a couple of minutes. I like a little extra salt and pepper on the outside too, but it’s up to you.

Step 8. Place it all into preheated oven. Set a timer for 1 hour for each 3-1/2 pounds of bird. Remember, this isn’t your mothers bird. We are NOT taking all this time to burn the crap out of it or dehydrate it for future generations. There is NO stuffing on the inside, thus it will cook faster at lower temperatures than usual. If anyone tries to argue with you, stab them. (Be careful not to kill them… refer to Day Before; step #4)

Step 9.  Baste this thing about every 30 minutes until the last 2 hours and while you’re in there make sure the fluid level is OK. Then, LEAVE IT ALONE. This will make it crispy. I did say leave it alone, didn’t I?

Step 10. Remove Bird and transfer to Turkey plate (the giant plate with fancy crap on it that is located in the very back of your cupboard because you haven’t used it in years… if ever. Typically a gift from much older relatives given to you when you got married with the idea that you would be possessed by Norman Rockwell and don the June Cleaver pumps and pearls. (That goes for the guys too, you know who you are.)) Remove any bits of bacon and toss back into pan. Just kind of gaze upon the bird… gently/lovingly. If you act this way the in-laws will either think you’re “in the zone” or dipping into the sherry and pain killers. Either way they will leave you alone, which can be nice during the Holidays.

Day of Gravy instructions:

Step 1.  Add water to giblets (guts) sitting on stove. Turn on to medium heat at the same time you put the Turkey in the oven and bring to a boil. You will have to periodically add water, as you are boiling these things to death. That’s the point, we are making a stock for gravy. Boil, boil, boil.

Step 2. Add left over sprigs to the pot.

Step 3. Add crushed or chopped Garlic.

Step 4. Add Dry Sherry. If you have purchased a bottle for this occasion, we’ll use relatively little of it. So go ahead and have a shot… that’s right… from the bottle. It’s OK, nobody’s looking! They do it at home too, go ahead… OK, that’s enough, put it down. PUT IT DOWN.

Step 5.  I like to add my salt here, to taste, so I don’t have to worry about it later. It also saves lives… as I don’t have to hear anybody bitch about how much salt I choose to use or not use, and then be forced to challenge Day Before; step #4.

Step 6.  Time the boiling process for it.  It should be reduced to about half of the pot when the Turkey has 30-minutes left. When the timer hits 30 minutes left on the Oven, strain the liquid and giblets (guts) from the stock. Again, set the giblets (guts) aside to cool, as you will use these for their “meat” and put it back into the gravy.

Step 7.  Put the liquid back on to boil.. Allow to simmer until it just barely starts to taste right.

Step 8.  Add Paprika and stir. It should turn yellow… right?   (No?  Throw everything away.  Just kidding… it will turn yellow.. er.)

Step 9. Dissolve cornstarch well in 1/4 cup of very cold water. Pour quickly into lightly boiling liquid. Bring back to a boil. The gravy should begin to thicken immediately with NO LUMPS. Follow my directions and NO LUMPS. If you’re using the “cold rue” then stir it in gradually with a whisk. (If you have a hand blender then screw it and dump it all in, just blend it in the pot till smooth. Then have a shot of sherry celebrating your ingenuity.)

Step 10. If satisfied with texture (if not, you can add a little more cornstarch, or rue, but don’t over do it) and the flavor, turn it to low and check occasionally. It’s ready to serve.

Step 11. (Optional) I like to peel the meat from the neck bone and chop up the giblets very small then put back into gravy. It adds a great flavor as well as texture, and improves the appearance. It’s up to you, but I recommend it.

Step 12. (Optional) If you find the relatives wanting to “share the spirit of the season” with you troubling… you may want to consider hurling the now empty Dry Sherry bottle through the closest window in a brief but explosive fit of inexplicable rage. Nothing says “Happy Thanksgiving” like the jolly sound of a loud, lone, angry voice and the merry tinkle of shattering glass. If this hits too close to home, feel free to ad-lib, just don’t mess up the food.

Day of Stuffing instructions:

Step 1.  Locate all the good stuff in the now still warm, but Turkey-less roasting pan. Remove carrots and chop. Yes I know their hot, if you can’t stand the heat get out of… I can’t remember how this quote goes but I think it ends with Sherry.  Throw chopped carrots back into pan.

Step 2.  Open packages of stuffing bread and throw (THE BREAD, NOT THE BAGS) into pan. STIR WELL ONCE! Cover with foil and leave it alone. If you fiddle with it, it will turn to mush.

I SAID NO FIDDLING. It will be ready to stir again in five minutes and serve in about 10 minutes. (I like to add an entire stick of butter and allowing it to melt prior to throwing in the bags of bread, but it’s your call.)

Well all right then… you’re finished!

Serve it up however you would like. I no longer care.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!  or, whatever…

IF IT’S STILL IN YOUR HAND, PUT THE SHERRY DOWN AND GO TALK TO THE RELATIVES, or open another bottle of Sherry and don’t talk to the relatives.  Either way is a path to something unhealthy.

We could go over potatoes but everybody has their own way of doing it and they all equally suck.

Cheers! – Mike

“Send Them Your Heads!”

Seeing a Clear Need for a new, more nuanced, Radical Muslim Outreach Campaign, the Obama Administration will be offering a way for the American Public to get behind efforts already being employed.

What will be considered a supplement to Destroying our relationship with Israel, Arming ISIS with Stinger missiles, staying out of ISIS’ way in Middle East and promising a Nuclear Iran, The Obama Administration is crafting a new program called “Send Them Your Heads!”.

The motivation behind this latest taxpayer-funded Muslim Outreach Effort is to allow ISIS, and all of their affiliates, time to work on issues State Department officials deem important in the Middle East like physical, educational and political infrastructure improvements as well as Job Creation. It has been estimated, by all economists everywhere, a Single Minute saved by not having to Set on Fire, Throw off buildings, Stone and Behead Infidels results in a Full Hour of productivity that can be applied to ‘other things’.

If you’re interested in participating in this Outreach Campaign, please contact your local Post Master for packaging and shipping details. (Cost may vary depending on size, weight and distance to recipient.  DHS has also advised participants that having a partner to assist you will be important, and if you cannot find assistance in completing the process they, DHS personnel, will be happy to help.  DHS officials also stated that there is no need to wait for the Administration to get this program approved, and funded, as they expect resistance from the Republican Controlled ‘Do Nothing’ Congress. They have some shipping materials available and will provide them at no cost to qualified applicants.)

According to the issued Press Release, The White House is proud to be promoting the new initiative with the blessings of domestic Muslim advocacy groups in addition to representatives from ISIS, ISIL, IS, Al Qaeda and a number of Iraqi and Syrian ‘community’ organizations among the other Partners in Peace Coalition.

The release also states “Send Them Your Heads!” will be exclusively administered by the Department of Homeland Security and The United States Post Office and will be limited to Legal U.S. citizens only.

When we contacted DHS officials for comment, it was stressed the overall message they wanted to convey is the “Importance of Getting along with those who are different from us. We are all citizens of the World.”

In response to our e-mail inquiry, Postal Representatives claimed to have no knowledge of this new program but stated the importance of following shipping guidelines for human remains.  They said they would prefer packing to be complete prior to participants reaching the postal centers, and guidelines were available at USPS.com for download.

So if you’re one of us, asking yourself “What Can I Do to Make them Like Me?”

Now there’s a way.

(Note: One of the economists we spoke with explained the added benefit to the U.S. unemployment number that will be realized by tangibly removing individuals from the work force. Administration officials declined to comment only giving us a ‘thumbs up’ while holding a poorly drawn sign which stated “#Sendthemyourhead”.)


Obama Got Osama… So What?

It really doesn’t matter.

My belief is that the Bush Administration knew where Osama Bin Ladin was for a number of years and intentionally didn’t kill him.

I believe this was confirmed when it was leaked that the NSA was monitoring his phone calls. Many years later, most of us understand that if we can monitor your phone calls we know where your phone… is.
I, along with Sec. State Rice, thought it was a crime to have leaked such information as monitoring Osama’s phone led to an incredible amount of extremely valuable intelligence. But I was unaware that such a leak did not reach the bar determining a “crime”, unlike Navy-SEAL Bisonette disclosing in his book “No Easy Day” who shot Osama and when he did it.  It’s worth noting, Leon Panetta sees clearly this man needs to be crucified (alas, we would have to send him to the Middle East for this punishment) at the moment of this typing.

Enter Mike as the Bush apologist… (Don’t get used to this.)
My feeling that it was OK to leave Osama Bin Ladin alive (at that moment) was also related to my belief that the Left was hoping he would turn up dead so they could begin berating the Bush Administration for perpetuating another “unnecessary” war. (Note that any war not being conducted under a Leftist Administration is “unnecessary”)  This type of “good when I do it, bad when you do it” politics only seems to manifest itself on one side of the aisle.  But that’s another post.

Well, now Osama is dead… So What?

At this very second the U.S. Embassy in Yemen has been attacked.  Keeping score?  That’s Libya, Egypt and Yemen.  (Update, Add: Oman, Iraq, Tunisia, Algeria)(Update, Add: Sudan, Pakistan)(Update, Add: Bangladesh, Berlin, London, Sudan, Yemen again…)

Secretary Clinton is in Morocco… the presser was more of a begging apology than a stance against violence.  It’s my biased observation that the State Department is concerned “in the strongest terms”.  That’s “scared” to you and me.  This is the fundamental problem we have in the world.  We have Leftists faced with fighting Leftists.  All our home-grown Leftists can do is condemn the violence… but not the ideology.

We, the U.S., are fighting a war against Statism. (At home and Abroad) In this specific case of the Middle East it’s a variant of Socialism known as Theocracy. The Theocrats wish to establish a “Caliphate” made up of the entire Middle East.  The leaders of this movement want to create an exclusively Muslim area intended to include Israel.  Not sure how that would work?  Neither are the Jews.

You might be saying to yourself… “Wow, that kinda seems like a bad idea.”
Indeed.  But our current Administration cannot allow us to pass judgements on Theocracies versus other ideologies such as their personal brand of Socialism because the similarities would be difficult to ignore.  (The only difference between the two Governing Theories is Theocrats switch out the top of the pyramid from “The State” to “A Deity of Choice”.  That’s it.  All else remains, structurally, the same.)

The connection the Left does not want you to make is that Socialism, and all of its variants, are the root of all evil. It’s exactly this ideology and its brethren that demonize the individual and view life as expendable to the greater good of the state and/or religion.  (There is nothing new about Religious States.  Catholicism had a solid run if you recall.)

So, in this War on Terror 2.0 the Obama Administration is personalizing it.  (I think their rhetoric throughout both Bush Administration’s pushed them into a corner on this to some degree.  They have graduated from Clinton’s “Tomahawk Diplomacy” to Obama’s “Drone Diplomacy”.  The Left likes killing people, just not up close and personal.)

They have attempted to “keep it personal” by pinning all evil on Osama Bin Ladin and lately Al Qaeda.  Sec. State Clinton’s thesis subject, Saul Alinsky, wrote about this approach in the book Rules for Radicals if you have one lying around.  “Personalize it.”  Never get in a debate regarding ideology or theory… (If you’re any kind of Socialist, you will lose. My words, not his.)

Well, clearly Osama Bin Ladin was not the root of all evil, he was merely a symptom.  The fact that we are still killing “leaders” of Al Qaeda we’ve never heard of before should legitimize my point.  (Update: IS, ISIL, ISIS, DAESH)

What the Administration is trying to ignore, deny, obfuscate, is that we are fighting a war against an Idea not a human being.  We are fighting a war against an ideology that shares many, if not most, of the societal ideals our current Leftist leaders here in the U.S. promote.  We are not fighting a war against any specific person… remember, people are expendable and can be quickly replaced by the closest fellow traveler.  The Muslim Brotherhood understands that theirs is a Mission of Ideology… a Mission of Faith… a Mission of Social Justice.  They must find the Great Satan’s attempt to define them differently as hypocritical and juvenile at best.

This is a very important time in our history, a turning point if you will.  (Domestically and Abroad)  It is a time that must be clearly thought about by every U.S. Citizen.  What happens in the next ten years will determine the quality of life our children will experience through their old age.  The definitions of Freedom and Liberty are being challenged globally by those wielding ideas… very, very bad ideas.

No one wants to live thinking they and their loved ones are, or will be, in imminent danger.

But there is a valuable lesson here…

What it is and what we wish it to be are most often at odds.


Bumper Sticker Of The Day…


The link is worth it.  Man, oh, man does Piers Morgan Suck…

Not a “bumper sticker”, I know, but pretty good smackdown by IowaHawk!  :D

Source: Bumper Sticker Of The Day…

The Shameful Darkness of Republicans

“(President Obama) denounced Republican candidates, including Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX)
and Jeb Bush, who propose that the United States should primarily focus on accepting Christian refugees, criticizing Obama’s unwillingness to address the threat of terrorists coming overseas as refugees.  “That’s shameful. That’s not American. That’s not who we are. We don’t have religious tests to our compassion,” he said angrily.”

President Obama focused his anger on those Leaders in Congress, and jeb, who are calling for a prioritization of efforts to expedite refugee status for Christians coming from Syria.

Mr. Obama “…cautioned political leaders “not to fall into that trap” of refusing to accept refugees, and to “not to feed that dark impulse inside of us.”

It’s worth noting makeaneffort cannot find an example of the outright refusal of accepting refugees being implemented or even suggested by any Leaders in Congress, or jeb, we will take the President at his word it must be happening.

Exploring the President’s point regarding the horrid blackness that poisons men’s minds…

Can you imagine what it would have been like if the United States had prioritized evacuating Jews from Germany in the 30’s when they were being systematically left to die in cattle cars, crushed in showers and forced to breathe poison gas, or being shot on sight?  Or if the United States had committed the sin of focusing their efforts to save Political enemies of Communism from the Soviet Death Squads who fertilized the Steppes with 10’s of Millions of those who disagreed with Forced March FORWARD! to the Socialist Utopia?

Indeed Mr. Obama, moving groups of people to the front of the line who are being specifically targeted for Death is a Dark Place to go.  At this point in History it happens to be Christians, Jews and Homosexuals.  If this desire to do so doesn’t prove once and for all that Republicans are Evil, I don’t know what does.

We should stand with the President and refuse to make such considerations.  In fact, we should look past the overwhelming number of military aged men who make up the vast majority of ‘refugees’ flooding the Western Countries of the World.  Some Leaders in Congress, and jeb, have Shamefully suggested these young war fighting aged men be given additional scrutiny before allowing them to roam freely throughout the United States.  But we must stand strong with our President and steadfastly refuse to make any inquiry into why metrics related to the groups of refugees demonstrate such clear Racism and Misogyny.

Bare in mind, if terrorism breaks out due to the policies of this Administration they will finally have the impetus to disarm all of us.

Never let a good crisis go to waste…

Particularly when you’ve spending so much time and energy creating it.


Will Parisians Demand the Right to be Armed?

They should.

It’s time to stop feeling bad about other people wanting to kill you.  It’s time to stop allowing our leaders to tell us it’s our fault.  It’s time to stop trusting that the Government can protect you.

They want a War…
Sometimes you have to give Them what They Want or They’ll never go away.

‘Gun Free’ Europe is about to explode. These events will not be lost on the rest of the continent.  The only people without Firearms are those under attack.

All of this… ALL OF THIS… is brought to you by your friendly, smarter than you, no-border, Socialists full of the best of intentions and concern for the well-being of the World.

It’s time to stamp out this Deadly Ideology for good.

Now 1 in 45 Kids have Autism!

Autism Rate DOUBLES!

Wait… What?…

“What we call an autism spectrum disorder now is a much wider group of symptoms than what we called autism in the past so I think that captures a larger number of children that might have received other diagnoses in the past,” said Katie Walton, an autism researcher who was not involved with the CDC survey.

Do you think this will be how the story is reported?

Do you think anyone, reporter or not, will read past the Headline?  Do you believe the expansion of associated symptoms and ‘reclassification’ of previous diagnosis’, like Mental Retardation, will be offered up as a reason for the change in the number?  For that matter will it be pointed out that diagnosis’ of MR (what we now call Mental Retardation) is falling?

No.  Of course not.

It’s also worth noting that accepted diagnosis’ of children falling into the Autism Spectrum may be provided by Teachers and School Administrators.

Sound Odd?

It Should.


There are Federal Funds associated with the number of “Special Needs” students available to schools and the Districts they reside in based on the information provided by those same Teachers and Administrators.  Expanding the ‘associated symptoms means MORE MONEY!  In fact, the last number we had of 1 in 120 children came from a single school district just outside of Atlanta.  A single School District… with Teachers and Administrators making medical diagnosis’.  And those numbers were extrapolated to represent the entire country!   This, predictably, resulted in people like Jenny McCarthy becoming hysterical who then advised parents to not have their kids inoculated, which gave us a gift of minor explosions of long forgotten diseases such as Measles, Mumps, TB, etc.


Stories such as these are dropped in association with fund-raising campaigns in order to get you to throw money, directly out of your wallet or taxpayer dollars via legislation, at an issue.

They want you to be afraid.

Scared Yet?

Fear not, there is a ton of money devoted to Autism.  But as we all know, once you create a foundation you have mouths to feed.  People need to get paid, so the Fundraising must go on.

Still Scared?

There are ways of giving directly to Hospitals and Research dedicated to Autism if that is what you want to do.

All I’m saying is don’t fall for the hype… because there is always someone with their hand out waiting to make a dollar off of your fear.


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