Tag Archives: weight loss

The Slap Diet!

Diet Series Part V…

“Slap Down that extra Pound!”

This Revolutionary Diet Program offers multiple benefits with our primary goal being quick, and often permanent, weight loss.

The Slap Diet! is comprised of two fundamental components.  First being a historically proven reinforcement method.  Second being a sudden cardio-vascular fitness workout ranging from simply raising your heart rate to full muscle confusion.

Both of these are timed carefully to correspond with YOUR eating habits!

Don’t worry, this Program does not require any modification in the types of food you consume.  (Great for “picky” eaters!)

Here’s how it works:

You sign up with our qualified staff who follow you throughout the day.  (An additional night-time monitoring can be obtained with a slightly higher fee.  Contact your consultant for details.)

Just when you are about to put Food, Drink, Candy etc. into your mouth your dietary consultant will Slap the Crap out of you!

This New and Exciting approach to dietary health will provide you with the time-tested reinforcement historically shown to change your eating habits in a very positive way.  (Technically the reinforcement methods are “negative” but the results are Positive!  Very Positive!)

We have, as the second ancillary benefit, witnessed this progress into full contact fighting! If you have watched any MMA, or Ultimate Fighting, match you immediately realize the cardio-vascular benefit gained through such exercise.

It’s a double-edged approach to your physical health.  This Program is guaranteed to transform you!  It just doesn’t get any better!

Once you have experienced several iterations of the Slap Diet you may want to upgrade your experience…  and we’re here for you.

We offer an enhanced Slap Diet Program for a small, reasonable, Premium.

This Upgraded Program replaces your dietary consultant with anonymous individuals who we have outsourced the responsibility to help keep you on course.

Instead of a single person accompanying you throughout the day, and/or night, there will be complete strangers tasked with “Slapping Down that extra Pound” at the exact moment of your poor decision-making.  The bonus associated with this Premium Package is not having to feel the oppression tied to a single person following you around all the time.  Remarkably, the benefits remain the same… and in many cases become even more effective!  This is because the Premium Slap Package offers you the excitement of spontaneity.  Your Dietary Consultant could be a family member, a close friend or even the guy who just served you that double dip of Mint Chip Ice Cream… You’ll just never know!  It’s our Promise to You!

If you’re interested in this Brand New fully Guaranteed approach to your dietary health, please contact us through the comments section and we’ll customize a plan based specifically on your needs.

If you’re interested in joining our team you are also invited to contact us directly through the comments section.  Applicants compensation will be evaluated based on need and qualifications.  Please be advised, many of our Dietary Consultants work pro-bono and compete for jobs within this program.

Our Motto:  It’s fun for You!  It’s fun for Us!

It’s not just a Snap, it’s a Slap!

So get Slapped Happy today!

Slap Diet!

(“Slap the Crap out of You”, “Slap Diet”, “It’s Fun for You!  It’s Fun for Us!”, “It’s not just a Snap, it’s a Slap!” and “Slap Down that extra Pound!” are all pending Trademarks of DESFM LLC.  All interested parties are required to sign liability waivers absolving DESFM LLC and our Dietary Consulates from any responsibility, harm or permanent mental damage associated with any aspect of employment or participation in the Slap Diet Program.)


The One Ingredient Cookbook

The One Ingredient Cookbook

Our New Cookbook will guide you through the DESFM nutritional requirements.*

All of our recipes are intended to be eaten on their own, without modification.  In other words, No Roasting, No Baking, No Boiling, No Microwaving or even leaving out in the sun.

No Fuss, No Muss…

Easy, easy, easy!

The Thrill you will feel is that every one of these suggestions are all you can eat… ALL YOU CAN EAT!*

So Fill Up!

Here is a short list of some of My Team’s Favorites:

1.) Salt

2.) Flour

3.) Pepper

4.) Vinegar

5.) Corn Meal

6.) Onions

7.) Eggplant

8.) Baker’s Chocolate

9.) Parsley

10.) Heavy Cream

11.) Olive Oil

12.) Garlic

and of course…

13.) Water

I know there are many foods which fit this category… so be creative.  The World is your Oyster!  (Oysters must be eaten by themselves.  The Shells are optional.)

Bon Apetit!

This Diet can be used in conjunction with Our Other Patented Diet Plans.  Search Diet on our Site and Start Losing!

Cheers – Mike

*(Consult a Physician before doing Anything I Suggest… Ever.)

*(only one ingredient per meal allowed.)

(Originally posted 042414)


The Handcuff Diet

Taking inspiration from my friends… and past personal experience, I have devised a new and seemingly foolproof diet.

Please put your hands together and Welcome the…

The Handcuff Diet!

Guaranteed to cause weight loss!

Here’s what you do:

First…

Buy a pair of Handcuffs.  (Not the ones you keep next to the bed… I’m talking about Real Ones.  If you already have our previously suggested Serial Killer Kit, use the heavy duty zip ties.  If you followed our directions, it’s in your trunk.)

Second…

Cuff your hands behind your back.  (This is the only part you may request help if needed.  If you can’t see your genitalia… you’ll probably need help.)

Finally…

Keep your hands cuffed behind your back until you have lost your desired amount of weight.  (Could be two weeks… could be two years.  It’s all up to You!)

That’s it!

So Simple even You can do it!

I know you’ll want to cheat.  But here’s the beautiful part;

Now when you find yourself in the line at McDonald’s ordering your between meal snack of a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, Chicken McNuggets, Large Fry, Chocolate Shake and two Happy Meals for the kids you don’t have, (Needless to say, the drive-through is out unless you know how to drive a car with your hands cuffed behind your back… I’m sure a couple of you do…) this Diet adds just the right amount of difficulty.  Sure you can get to your wallet… and sure, you might be able to retrieve the bag from the counter… but finding the right place to dump the contents on the ground so you can shove your face in it takes time.

Of Course…

Delivery is always an option, but after a few of those the word get’s around… and even the delivery guys, as shady as they might be, are repulsed by a fat guy with several days of Pizza and Chinese smeared all over his face trying to get them to ‘reach into their back pocket’ to get paid.  I have some experience with this, but it’s the front pocket, still handcuffs and Chinese, but nothing to do with Food.  It led to the inspiring ‘past personal experience’ prompting this Revolutionary new way to eat…)

So join the fastest growing body of Federal ‘Residents’ who already know about this brand new approach to food!

The Time is Now!

 

You too can get the look of an Inmate!

Note:  The Handcuff Diet, Slap Diet, DESFM and Only Eat what You Kill Diet are Trademarks of WEREHERETOHELP LLC.  Other Collateral Materials such as the One Ingredient Cookbook and the Urban Game Hunting Guide are copyrights. Express permission must be obtained prior to use or duplication.


Only Eat What You Kill Diet!

Diet Series Part IV

For those of you who found DESFM and Full Length Mirror too restrictive, I want to introduce you to the…

Only Eat What You Kill Diet

This companion piece is also a proven path to weight loss.  Guaranteeeeeeed!

While this diet is slightly more labor intensive than the DESFM diet, it is an all you can eat approach to losing weight.

Here you go;

1.)  If you’re putting it into your mouth, you must have personally killed it… with your bare hands.

2.)  Eat as much as you want… so long as you killed it… with your bare hands.

3.)  Repeat steps 1 and 2.

We have found that this dietary system is particularly effective for Urban Dwellers.  So instead of feeding the Flying Rats in Central Park, you’ll be trying to eat them. Everybody wins!  Having a hard time in the park?  Head to the Subway…

So, if you want a steak… find a cow.  If you want a tomato… find a vine.  Flour? – Wheat Field. etc.  Pickles?  Nope, just a cucumber you killed.  Get it?

Simple enough.

This diet can also be used in conjunction with the Bourbon Diet.  Because nothing says “good hunting” like the smell of alcohol on your breath.  (Not recommended by any responsible person.)  This diet can also be used in conjunction with the sport of Elk Boxing.  As a Extra Bonus, You might find the combination of bloody hands and the smell of alcohol aids in avoiding all those uncomfortable daily social interactions.  Don’t worry, we wont charge you!

I will eventually address The “No Processed Food” and “No Hands” diets, but for the moment this concludes the makeaneffort dietary program.  Go and be lighter.

Cheers!

And, You’re Welcome.


The Full Length Mirror Diet

Full Length Mirror Diet.

Of all the diets, this might be my favorite.  It has the important parts, Love and Hate, Joy and Despair, with a heavy dose of truth.

Warning: While this is also an “all you can eat” approach to weight loss, it could be the most difficult for your self-esteem.

There is only one rule:

1.) Every meal MUST be eaten, completely nude while standing in front of a full length mirror.

Don’t get discouraged, it’s OK to cry… in fact, it’s expected.

This is also 100% guaranteed to work regardless of who you are.

Also be aware this Diet could be difficult to follow at work, but once you explain it to your co-workers we are sure they will understand.  Not only that, we’re also pretty sure you’ll get the bathroom all to yourself.

Although, if your blind, you will have to stand in front of another person (Preferably one who doesn’t like you very much.) and have them describe how they feel about what you doing.  You just might want to kill them, but that feeling is letting you know you’re doing it right.  And, you’re blind so you’ll never catch them… anyway that leads me to my next great Diet Plan.  You can Only Eat What You Kill Diet.  This Diet will appear tomorrow.

Enjoy!