Tag Archives: or else

It’s that time of year again… Halloween!

Brace yourselves for the unavoidable onslaught of Growth Challenged, Poorly Disguised, Elementary Extortionists rap, rap, rapping at your Chamber Door.

I have several suggestions to make this annual episode enjoyable for all.

First…

Parents, dress your kids up like Politicians. It’s far more convincing, and genuinely frightening, than any otherworldly figment of your, or your experience limited child’s, imagination.

Second…

Kids, try actually having some tricks up your ridiculously tiny, tiny sleeves. Ask your parents what happens when you mix Salt Peter, Sugar and Charcoal together in the right amounts.  I’ll give you a hint… BIG FUN!

Third…

Victims, try offering up more imaginative ransom such as Individually Ladled servings of Tomato Soup, Cigarettes, Old Cans of Pumpkin Puree, Dry Pasta (loose) or the Minty Freshness of Skoal chewing tobacco. (Get the individual packets.  An entire tin might be a bit much for the littler kids.)  How About… Books… of Matches, Sugar Cubes (but only to the fat kids… then watch closely to see of their parents get the irony), Copies of The Watchtower or Discount Coupons to your favorite Tattoo Parlor. (Doesn’t have to be your favorite.)  This could also be a good time to clean out the Garage, how much Ironite and how many Fishing Lures do you really need?  And of course, who doesn’t have a ‘junk drawer’ full of random crap (treasure) you saved from the last project you never finished.  (Kids LOVE that stuff!)

Finally…
I always start the ‘Holiday’ off with Trick or Drinking.
Trust me, it’s worth it. And your neighbors will think you’re a genius, or more like a Drunk with Possibilities.