Tag Archives: obesity

Only Eat What You Kill Diet!

Diet Series Part IV

For those of you who found DESFM and Full Length Mirror too restrictive, I want to introduce you to the…

Only Eat What You Kill Diet

This companion piece is also a proven path to weight loss.  Guaranteeeeeeed!

While this diet is slightly more labor intensive than the DESFM diet, it is an all you can eat approach to losing weight.

Here you go;

1.)  If you’re putting it into your mouth, you must have personally killed it… with your bare hands.

2.)  Eat as much as you want… so long as you killed it… with your bare hands.

3.)  Repeat steps 1 and 2.

We have found that this dietary system is particularly effective for Urban Dwellers.  So instead of feeding the Flying Rats in Central Park, you’ll be trying to eat them. Everybody wins!  Having a hard time in the park?  Head to the Subway…

So, if you want a steak… find a cow.  If you want a tomato… find a vine.  Flour? – Wheat Field. etc.  Pickles?  Nope, just a cucumber you killed.  Get it?

Simple enough.

This diet can also be used in conjunction with the Bourbon Diet.  Because nothing says “good hunting” like the smell of alcohol on your breath.  (Not recommended by any responsible person.)  This diet can also be used in conjunction with the sport of Elk Boxing.  As a Extra Bonus, You might find the combination of bloody hands and the smell of alcohol aids in avoiding all those uncomfortable daily social interactions.  Don’t worry, we wont charge you!

I will eventually address The “No Processed Food” and “No Hands” diets, but for the moment this concludes the makeaneffort dietary program.  Go and be lighter.

Cheers!

And, You’re Welcome.


Short Attention Span

I’ve already forgotten:

We’re bankrupt.
We’re printing money, and paying bills with it, because we don’t have any.
We’re playing with the unemployment numbers and the best we can do is call it “crappy” where it was once called “criminal”.
We’ve Socialized Medicine and it’s costing all of us more money than ever before… but Socialism always works, so no problem.
We’ve sent Assault Rifles to Mexican Drug Cartels and it’s OK.
We have a new “unspoken” policy of allowing our Diplomats overseas to be Murdered.
We have completely given up all Rights to Privacy and apparently condone the NSA spying on us.
We believe the IRS should be able to target Americans based on their political beliefs.
We agree that we need a Domestic Military, called DHS, designed to apply force within our borders.
We enjoy being groped at the airport by the individuals who could not qualify to be police officers.
We continue to believe the housing market collapse was caused by “greedy” banks.
We think there are still people starving in the United States while facing an Obesity Epidemic.
We’ve decided that what used to be called welfare is actually an earned benefit.
We think a consensus is an appropriate replacement for the scientific method.

We believe it when our politicians tell us they will do something.

What was I talking about?