Taking inspiration from my friends… and past personal experience, I have devised a new and seemingly foolproof diet.
Please put your hands together and Welcome the…
The Handcuff Diet!
Guaranteed to cause weight loss!
Here’s what you do:
First…
Buy a pair of Handcuffs. (Not the ones you keep next to the bed… I’m talking about Real Ones. If you already have our previously suggested Serial Killer Kit, use the heavy duty zip ties. If you followed our directions, it’s in your trunk.)
Second…
Cuff your hands behind your back. (This is the only part you may request help if needed. If you can’t see your genitalia… you’ll probably need help.)
Finally…
Keep your hands cuffed behind your back until you have lost your desired amount of weight. (Could be two weeks… could be two years. It’s all up to You!)
That’s it!
So Simple even You can do it!
I know you’ll want to cheat. But here’s the beautiful part;
Now when you find yourself in the line at McDonald’s ordering your between meal snack of a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, Chicken McNuggets, Large Fry, Chocolate Shake and two Happy Meals for the kids you don’t have, (Needless to say, the drive-through is out unless you know how to drive a car with your hands cuffed behind your back… I’m sure a couple of you do…) this Diet adds just the right amount of difficulty. Sure you can get to your wallet… and sure, you might be able to retrieve the bag from the counter… but finding the right place to dump the contents on the ground so you can shove your face in it takes time.
Of Course…
Delivery is always an option, but after a few of those the word get’s around… and even the delivery guys, as shady as they might be, are repulsed by a fat guy with several days of Pizza and Chinese smeared all over his face trying to get them to ‘reach into their back pocket’ to get paid. I have some experience with this, but it’s the front pocket, still handcuffs and Chinese, but nothing to do with Food. It led to the inspiring ‘past personal experience’ prompting this Revolutionary new way to eat…)
So join the fastest growing body of Federal ‘Residents’ who already know about this brand new approach to food!
The Time is Now!
You too can get the look of an Inmate!
Note: The Handcuff Diet, Slap Diet, DESFM and Only Eat what You Kill Diet are Trademarks of WEREHERETOHELP LLC. Other Collateral Materials such as the One Ingredient Cookbook and the Urban Game Hunting Guide are copyrights. Express permission must be obtained prior to use or duplication.
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