Here are the most Important Points you will not hear:
1. We made a Mistake attempting to Socialize the Finest Medical System in the World. We must repeal it before it get’s any worse!
2. It’s Our Fault your Insurance Plan has been eliminated and to replace it with anything close will cost you 3-5 times more money. Sorry about that.
3. Because of our Monetary Policy, and Soviet Style EPA regulations, Beef, Chicken, Pork, Eggs, Cheese and Milk prices have inflated to astronomical levels, but that’s OK because most of the Occupy Movement still have their parents buying their groceries. Oh, and hey, Rice is still pretty cheap… because we haven’t got that far yet.
4. The dollar you were barely able to save this year is now worth $.25 because we can never, never, never consider spending less so we just keep printing more money.
5. You’re Right. We allowed that Diplomat and four special operators to die in Benghazi. But, At this point what difference does it make? (This line should be delivered in a high-pitched screechy voice.)
6. We do, in fact, conduct IRS audits on those of you who disagree with our Ideology. So what? You gonna to do somthin’ bout it? That’s what I thought.
7. The NSA will continue to collect as much data as possible on you even though you’ve never done anything wrong… because you just might. Or we may want to go out with you. Or refer to #6.
8. Yes, it’s true, Barney Frank and Chris Dodd, with a little help from Bill Clinton, attempted to collapse our economy by forcing banks to lend money to people who could never pay it back. It was so remarkably ignorant that we decided to allow Barney and Chris to write the bill to make things even worse. Because that’s what we do up here. Oh yeah, and my friend Barney just got a job as a contributor on CNBC! I know! It blew me away too!
9. The DHS is exactly the Federally Controlled Domestic Armed Forces we were never supposed to have. Ever.
10. We have never read a single Bill… never. In addition, we have no intention of doing so. Frankly most elected officials couldn’t point out what a bill looks like let alone tell you what’s in one. So stop being ridiculous.
11. When I tell you “I had No Idea that something was going on.”, I mean it. I Really have No Idea about what goes on up here. Seriously. I Learn everything I know from CNN. If it wasn’t for those guys and Anthony Bourdain I wouldn’t know where half of the 57 States were even located. That Bourdain Guy is Cool isn’t he? And Orca’s are in trouble! Who knew?
12. Finally, before we say goodnight I want to share with you, the American People, something we talk about often up here on the Hill. You have suspected it for decades and it’s time to reveal it to you tonight for the first time! We, the elected officials and particularly every unelected Bureaucrat in Washington, do indeed believe you folks are too stupid to make decisions for yourself… but we know you’re not watching anyway. So, Good Night and God Bless.
Oh wait, wait, wait… hold on… Raise the Minimum Wage! War on Women! Immigration! Anyone who opposes me Hates Minorities… and Homosexuals! And don’t forget, most of you are Racists.
Sorry, Now you can switch back to Big Bang Theory. Good Night.
(This would be the first time I would win my SOTU Drinking Game with the words I, Me and MY.)