Taking inspiration from my friends… and past personal experience, I have devised a new and seemingly foolproof diet.
Please put your hands together and Welcome the…
The Handcuff Diet!
Guaranteed to cause weight loss!
Here’s what you do:
Buy a pair of Handcuffs. (Not the ones you keep next to the bed… I’m talking about Real Ones. If you already have our previously suggested Serial Killer Kit, use the heavy duty zip ties. If you followed our directions, it’s in your trunk.)
Cuff your hands behind your back. (This is the only part you may request help if needed. If you can’t see your genitalia… you’ll probably need help.)
Keep your hands cuffed behind your back until you have lost your desired amount of weight. (Could be two weeks… could be two years. It’s all up to You!)
So Simple even You can do it!
I know you’ll want to cheat. But here’s the beautiful part;
Now when you find yourself in the line at McDonald’s ordering your between meal snack of a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, Chicken McNuggets, Large Fry, Chocolate Shake and two Happy Meals for the kids you don’t have, (Needless to say, the drive-through is out unless you know how to drive a car with your hands cuffed behind your back… I’m sure a couple of you do…) this Diet adds just the right amount of difficulty. Sure you can get to your wallet… and sure, you might be able to retrieve the bag from the counter… but finding the right place to dump the contents on the ground so you can shove your face in it takes time.
Delivery is always an option, but after a few of those the word get’s around… and even the delivery guys, as shady as they might be, are repulsed by a fat guy with several days of Pizza and Chinese smeared all over his face trying to get them to ‘reach into their back pocket’ to get paid. I have some experience with this, but it’s the front pocket, still handcuffs and Chinese, but nothing to do with Food. It led to the inspiring ‘past personal experience’ prompting this Revolutionary new way to eat…)
So join the fastest growing body of Federal ‘Residents’ who already know about this brand new approach to food!
The Time is Now!
You too can get the look of an Inmate!
Note: The Handcuff Diet, Slap Diet, DESFM and Only Eat what You Kill Diet are Trademarks of WEREHERETOHELP LLC. Other Collateral Materials such as the One Ingredient Cookbook and the Urban Game Hunting Guide are copyrights. Express permission must be obtained prior to use or duplication.
3 Comments | tags: arrested, behind your back, chinese, DESFM, diet plan, food, handcuffs, health, inmate, lose weight, Mc Donalds, one ingredient cookbook, prison, serial killer, shove your face in it, Slap Diet, urban hunting guide, weight loss | posted in health, Humor, Uncategorized
Or, probably not. When you support “consensus” instead of the scientific method you get quotes like this:
“We’re not saying we shouldn’t be lowering excessive salt intake,” said Brian Strom of the University of Pennsylvania, who led the IOM committee. But below 2,300 milligrams a day, “there is simply a lack of data that shows it is beneficial.” – Institute of Medicine from a CDC Commissioned Study
Actually, the study does not provide any benefit for any level of reduction from average and above average salt intake. Full Washington Post article here.
(For full disclosure, this has been a pet peeve of mine for almost two decades. I witnessed my Great Grandmother send herself into low sodium shock, leading to coma, because her friends told her that salt was bad. She nearly died… and probably would have had she not had regularly scheduled help who noticed she was unresponsive in her bed. After that incident I decided to explore the harmful nature of salt and found… nothing. Nothing. In fact, all I could find was an idea… an idea that salt was bad for you. This idea seemed to be perpetuated by vegetarian groups and picked up by health magazines and “nutritionists”, and has been repeated for years. I found it odd regarding the vegetarian groups until someone mentioned to me that salt makes meat very, very tasty… bacon anyone? What “science” I found employed an unusually high number of words like “seem, might, could, possibly correlates, appears, etc.” without providing direct causation of harmful effects. The only unequivocal information I discovered was a connection to temporary hypertension… similar to having to urinate… AND the absolute necessity of salt in one’s diet in order for the body and brain to operate correctly. In other words, we must have salt to live and think, which could explain many of the ridiculous ideas coming from those who keep their salt intake low… but I digress. This quest of mine started 20 YEARS AGO, and nothing new has popped up until now. And, what has popped up is what we should already know but doesn’t fit certain folks narrative.)
– So Why reduce your salt intake?
Well, WE just feel like it’s better. It’s healthier because WE believe it’s healthier and you should be forced to do what WE think is best for You. So just shut up and do what we say. Dummy.
Oh, and You must also stop eating meat, drinking booze, driving fast, playing your music loud… and other stuff WE don’t like.
Or, Salt the rim of that Margarita and get on with enjoying your life while ignoring all those busy bodies telling you to feel extra bad about everything you like doing.
2 Comments | tags: bacon, blood pressure, Bloomberg, busy bodies, coma, crap we beleive, doctors, health, health magazines, Hogwash, hypertension, importance of salt, mens health, no benefit, no eveidence, no salt diet, salt, salt intake, salt is harmful, salt reduction, tasty animals, urban myths, vegan, vegetarian, war on salt, womens health | posted in News, politics, social issues, Uncategorized
President Obama is considering his possible running mates as Vice President Joe Biden has announced he will be stepping down due to health concerns. According to the White House the VP’s health has been in question for a number of months…
I was supposed to embargo this story until September.
Sorry about that. Nevermind.
I’ll get back to you all in a couple of months.
Related links for further reading: Mrs. October , A Shot Across the Bow… , The Lady Doth Protest too much, Me Thinks
4 Comments | tags: health, Hillary as VP, Joe Biden, Obama running mate, VP steps down | posted in News, politics, Uncategorized