I’ve decided I need another reason to drink all day.
My current list of all-day drinking is composed of 104 Saturday and Sundays, My Birthday, New Years Day, Martin Luther King Day, Ground Hog Day (w/mandatory sausage pizza), Valentines Day, Presidents Day, St. Patrick’s Day, April Fools Day, April 15th roughly – Tax Day, VE Day, May Day, Cinco de Mayo, Normandy Invasion, Summer Solstice, Canada Day (recently added), U.S. Independence Day, International Left-Handers Day, VJ Day, Labor Day, United Nations Day, Halloween (similar to United Nations Day, little beggers in funny outfits threatening you unless you give them something…), All Saints Day, Election Day, Veterans Day, Thanksgiving Day, Winter Solstice, Christmas Day, Boxing Day, New Years Eve, Any Single Day falling between a weekend and an above listed Holiday, Vacation Days, My Wedding Anniversary and My Wifes Birthday… in no particular order… sometimes all at once.
So I’ve only reached roughly 150 days a year… not even half!
And, no where is there a parade!
Well, we just had our local Gay Pride Parade and it occurred to me that I apparently have no pride. Needless to say, I didn’t go. Thus I’ve decided I want my own Pride Parade! Perfect!
But… I’ve been thinking about this all day, and I have a simple question. How can I have pride in something I didn’t choose to do?
Assuming the story is true and I was planned, my parents could throw themselves the “We chose to have Mike Pride Parade” for reasons all of us recognize. Or, I could throw the “Capitalist Pride Parade” because of my chosen ideology and invite a bunch of people I probably wouldn’t like. But how can someone be Proud of being Gay if it is not a choice? For that matter, how can anyone be Proud of being Black, White, Gray, Green, Arian, Anglo, Hispanic etc? How can you be Proud on anything you didn’t choose to do? If you had nothing to do with it, what right do you have to be Proud? I’m not sure I understand this.
(Read this paragraph twice…) Weak minds would imply that my assertion the above mentioned groups should not be Proud means they should be Ashamed. Let me educate those poor thinkers that while there is no reason to be Proud, there is also equally no reason to be Ashamed. In fact the above should be void of any special “feeling”, good or bad. It should simply be. This way we can all focus on our achievements or lack there of.
That being said, then may be I do understand…
These Parade’s are not about Pride, they’re meant to irritate. I would actually appreciate this if all participating were honest about it. Being obnoxious is a great way to get people talking… but words, like “Pride”, mean things and we should stop using them inappropriately.
So here’s a better idea, we could call it the Heterosexual Christian, Muslim and Jewish Irritation Parade. Or, the “I’m Not Ashamed to be Gay Parade”… but then that calls into question why you’re having it. (Or how about one I could get into, the Annoying Everyone who isn’t a Drunk Irishman Parade? Wait, we already do that one in Mid-March.)
Point being if it’s not a choice, like race or sexuality, you can’t be proud or ashamed of it. (Remember… for you Gay folks if it is a choice you can be Proud but you’ve lost your argument, if it isn’t a choice then stop the parading and join the rest of us.)
What I’m saying is not a failure to understand. I know all of our unique groups have been discriminated against but, that will never end… ever. Brand new Crappy People are being born as I tap this out. These people will always be crappy and will certainly not experience any positive effect from you irritating them regardless of how good it makes you “feel”. What has worked best in my life is walking around them without stopping. Let them be Crappy by themselves. Make their world very lonely.
So join my Parade instead! I’m calling it the Prideful Pride Parade.
In the spirit imparted to me in public school I’m choosing to be proud based on nothing. No achievements to speak of, no goals reached, no reason or rational what so ever. Just me and my enormous un-earned sense of self-esteem. All by my own choice!
It will be held the Last Day July every year. (No need to watch the lunar cycle). I have also designated July as “National Pride in No Achievement Month” which honors our U.S. Public School system and graduates like me. So march around, Drink all Day and “Support the Potential“!
I’m up to 151!
See you on the 31st!