For the Two of You who Will be Watching the State of the Union Speech Tonight…

Here are the most Important Points you will not hear:

1. We made a Mistake attempting to Socialize the Finest Medical System in the World.  We must repeal it before it get’s any worse!
2. It’s Our Fault your Insurance Plan has been eliminated and to replace it with anything close will cost you 3-5 times more money.  Sorry about that.
3. Because of our Monetary Policy, and Soviet Style EPA regulations, Beef, Chicken, Pork, Eggs, Cheese and Milk prices have inflated to astronomical levels, but that’s OK because most of the Occupy Movement still have their parents buying their groceries. Oh, and hey, Rice is still pretty cheap… because we haven’t got that far yet.
4. The dollar you were barely able to save this year is now worth $.25 because we can never, never, never consider spending less so we just keep printing more money.
5. You’re Right.  We allowed that Diplomat and four special operators to die in Benghazi. But, At this point what difference does it make?  (This line should be delivered in a high-pitched screechy voice.)

6.  We do, in fact, conduct IRS audits on those of you who disagree with our Ideology.  So what?  You gonna to do somthin’ bout it?  That’s what I thought.

7.  The NSA will continue to collect as much data as possible on you even though you’ve never done anything wrong… because you just might.  Or we may want to go out with you.  Or refer to #6.

8.  Yes, it’s true, Barney Frank and Chris Dodd, with a little help from Bill Clinton, attempted to collapse our economy by forcing banks to lend money to people who could never pay it back.  It was so remarkably ignorant that we decided to allow Barney and Chris to write the bill to make things even worse.  Because that’s what we do up here.  Oh yeah, and my friend Barney just got a job as a contributor on CNBC!  I know!  It blew me away too!

9.  The DHS is exactly the Federally Controlled Domestic Armed Forces we were never supposed to have.  Ever.

10.  We have never read a single Bill… never.  In addition, we have no intention of doing so.  Frankly most elected officials couldn’t point out what a bill looks like let alone tell you what’s in one.  So stop being ridiculous.

11.  When I tell you “I had No Idea that something was going on.”, I mean it.  I Really have No Idea about what goes on up here.  Seriously.  I Learn everything I know from CNN.  If it wasn’t for those guys and Anthony Bourdain I wouldn’t know where half of the 57 States were even located.  That Bourdain Guy is Cool isn’t he?  And Orca’s are in trouble!  Who knew?

12.  Finally, before we say goodnight I want to share with you, the American People, something we talk about often up here on the Hill.  You have suspected it for decades and it’s time to reveal it to you tonight for the first time!  We, the elected officials and particularly every unelected Bureaucrat in Washington, do indeed believe you folks are too stupid to make decisions for yourself… but we know you’re not watching anyway.  So, Good Night and God Bless.

Oh wait, wait, wait… hold on…  Raise the Minimum Wage!  War on Women!  Immigration! Anyone who opposes me Hates Minorities… and Homosexuals!  And don’t forget, most of you are Racists.

Sorry, Now you can switch back to Big Bang Theory.  Good Night.

(This would be the first time I would win my SOTU Drinking Game with the words I, Me and MY.)

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Short Attention Span

I’ve already forgotten:

We’re bankrupt.
We’re printing money, and paying bills with it, because we don’t have any.
We’re playing with the unemployment numbers and the best we can do is call it “crappy” where it was once called “criminal”.
We’ve Socialized Medicine and it’s costing all of us more money than ever before… but Socialism always works, so no problem.
We’ve sent Assault Rifles to Mexican Drug Cartels and it’s OK.
We have a new “unspoken” policy of allowing our Diplomats overseas to be Murdered.
We have completely given up all Rights to Privacy and apparently condone the NSA spying on us.
We believe the IRS should be able to target Americans based on their political beliefs.
We agree that we need a Domestic Military, called DHS, designed to apply force within our borders.
We enjoy being groped at the airport by the individuals who could not qualify to be police officers.
We continue to believe the housing market collapse was caused by “greedy” banks.
We think there are still people starving in the United States while facing an Obesity Epidemic.
We’ve decided that what used to be called welfare is actually an earned benefit.
We think a consensus is an appropriate replacement for the scientific method.

We believe it when our politicians tell us they will do something.

What was I talking about?

Print, Print, Print.

Determined to reproduce the economic successes of Weimar Germany and Zimbabwe the Federal Reserve has decided to fire up the presses once again.
Excitement ran through Wall Street today as the news of this brilliant new shot in the arm of “quantitative easing” was announced.
Well… not excitement… more like a panicked rush to buy ownership interest (stock) in companies most of us think will be around even if the economy melts down completely. You see, owning a percentage of a company cannot be devalued like the dollar. Companies can’t just print more stock thus devaluing your shares.  In fact, each time the Fed turns on the presses they tax you without you knowing/understanding it.  Stay with me here… if you have a dollar that has the buying power of “a dollar” then I decide to print another dollar and give it to you because I think you’re cool then you have two dollars… with the total value of “a dollar”.  You just got taxed 50%!  How do you feel about that?  If you listen to the media, you reportedly feel pretty good.  Ignorance is truly bliss…
The market going up has very little to do with a healthy U.S. but more to do with a serious concern over its illness.
Keynes, like Marx, was really smart… just really wrong.  Neither individuals ideas have worked out well anywhere in the world.  (If you think about it there are a great many individuals who fit this description.)
But don’t let the fact that Keynes ideas are horrible and produce long-term economic chaos discourage you!

It doesn’t discourage the Fed!
If you haven’t already, might I recommend buying some chickens? Your neighbors will love you…

I bought a still.  My neighbors actually do love me.