Coming off of an interesting morning around town I have to make a suggestion.
If you’re not in a hurry… get out of your car and walk.
Planes, Trains and Automobiles were invented to get us to somewhere faster… faster… than walking.
Do not get upset when you have either no idea where you’re going and/or have decided you’re not in a hurry that other people who do in fact have somewhere to go and do not believe everyone else should suffer because of their possible lack of planning get upset.
It is also not your job to determine how fast someone else should drive. It’s interesting that this behavior only manifests itself when you’re not in a hurry or have somewhere to go…
In other words… as long as you don’t want to get somewhere faster than walking no one else should either.
I know this is the only power you have left in this world and for that I’m sorry for you. But your self-centered ‘Universe Revolves Around Me’ attitude will continue to meet resistance from the rest of us who want to get where we’re going and stay out of everybody else’s way while we do it.
Allow me to list some of your favorite acts:
1. Stopping in the middle of the parking lot waiting for the first space when the lot has 90% of the spaces empty a little further way. Trust me, you could stand to walk an extra ten feet. Don’t believe me? Look in the mirror.
2. Making a right turn across a three lane street because you can’t find it within yourself to drive a little past your turn and come back at it. (This applies to the left turn across the three lane street as well.) I think my state patented this maneuver but it’s practiced throughout the US.
3. Slamming on your brakes so everyone behind you must go into immediate accident avoidance maneuvers because you forgot your turn was coming up, wanted to switch lanes suddenly, forgot where you were going, forgot who you were, forgot your a-hole on board placard etc.
4. Texting. There’s nothing more to say here except you’re not fooling anyone by holding it your lap and looking down as if it’s the first time you noticed your genitalia. You’re worse than a drunk… at least I might have respect for the drunk because they could have reduced cognitive ability. Your just stupid. And texting while ‘stopped’ at a red light, stop sign (like you’d ever stop at a stop sign…) or anywhere where there is the POSSIBILITY of someone being behind you is no better. You are not that important. Whatever it is that’s going on can wait until you’re not actively threatening everybody’s lives. I’d prefer you get to the imaginary place you want to go on a bicycle, with a fifth of Jack and a handgun… we’d all be safer.
5. What appears to be downing your favorite pills like Oxycodone, Vicodin or Quaaludes… or whatever special combination you came up with on your own… You are also an A-hole. You need to be relegated to the parks and back allies where We the People have decided we like our Heroin Addicts to hang out. Why? BECAUSE WE DON’T DRIVE THERE. If you just can’t resist the urge to operate heavy machinery specifically because the warning label on your favorite candy says not to, there are ample roadways throughout the United States where you can drive for days without seeing a single soul. Find one. Drive into a ditch there instead of trying to drive us into a ditch here.
6. Having your phone in your hand for any reason. You are in command of a 5000 lb. Missile of Death. Act like it you dumbsh*t. It’s not just your safety… because none of us care about your safety… it’s about the rest of us. Everyone Else. The World. So Put the Phone Down Fool.
7. Try keeping up with traffic, Asshat. If everyone is passing you… YOU ARE THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM. I don’t care what the posted limit is. You might recall that once upon a time driving over 55 miles per hour was inherently dangerous according the officer that wrote you a ticket. Now magically on the very same roads, with an exponentially larger number of idiots doing just some of what I outlined above, the limits have been raised in some case 30 miles per hour making what just a few years ago was considered criminally deadly behavior “safe”. The point here is the limits are artificial. They are determined for a number of factors most of which have nothing to do with safety… even though that word is always employed as justification. If safety were the paramount concern… we would all be walking like you should be. Only Terrorists, and idiots with warrants who see cops, drive 5 mph under the speed limit. Keep Up Jackass.
8. Clearly exhibiting that driving is far too difficult a task for you to practice, probably much like driving a shopping cart or Stroller. Could be your Age… Eyesight… Leg Length… or Handicap… Whatever. We don’t care when you’re jeopardizing our Health. Take the ridiculous Buses and Trains we’re all forced to pay for which we do not use because the task of driving is not too difficult for us. You are the only serious obstacle on the road. Opposite the Invisible Hand the amount of Destruction you leave in your path is incalculable.
9. Just because you are capable of driving with one hand doesn’t mean it’s ok to have the other hand’s thumb up your butt, or in your purse, or blindly hunting for something on the floorboard. Make and effort to think… think… think… about what you’re doing when you’re behind the wheel of a car. If you want to do other things pull over… and find a place where we aren’t.
10. Move over… you idiot. If you’re in the Left lane…. for that matter, if anyone is passing you on THE RIGHT… here in America that means YOU ARE DRIVING TOO SLOWLY. Move over into the available lane on your RIGHT. It doesn’t matter if YOU THINK you’re driving fast enough. YOU’RE NOT. You have no idea what is going on in the other cars… and frankly it’s none of your business unless you’re a cop. And you ARE NOT A COP. I had a guy in a Prius make damn sure I wasn’t going to speed while I had a dying dog on my lap and I was trying to get to the vet ASAP. So empowered did this A-hole feel that he actually endangered everyone on the road by searching for and retrieving his camera so he could make a show of taking my picture. Meanwhile the Chihuahua on my lap was going into full convulsions. The Dog died… I made it to the vet a few seconds late? Who knows. But there’s an balding middle-aged idiot out there who feels good about himself. Next Time… just GET OUT OF SOMEONE ELSES WAY and feel good about knowing your place in the Universe.
11. Oh yeah… At the very least, ACT like you had somewhere to go before getting in your car. The simple pretending you know where you’re going will do wonders not just for your driving skills, but for the rest of our mental health.
12. Stop signs mean STOP. We all hate them.. (but not as much as round-abouts). but exhibiting the inability to follow the simplest of commands probably indicates why your life is so difficult. A Stop sign does not mean roll through it. It does not mean ‘ignore’ if you think no one is looking. It also doesn’t mean pull halfway through the intersection then Stop. As well it does not mean that stopping behind the person stopped at the Stop sign counts as YOU STOPPING. Seriously, it’s no wonder 47% of you are unemployed.
Remember, when we honk it’s not because we’re in the wrong… it’s because you’re a self-centered, narcissistic A-Hole. And, for a fleeting moment in your life someone cares enough about you to let you know.
If you decide someday that you’re not all that special and try not doing just a few of the above listed items… well…
From the Rest of US,