The Slap Diet!

Diet Series Part V…

“Slap Down that extra Pound!”

This Revolutionary Diet Program offers multiple benefits with our primary goal being quick, and often permanent, weight loss.

The Slap Diet! is comprised of two fundamental components.  First being a historically proven reinforcement method.  Second being a sudden cardio-vascular fitness workout ranging from simply raising your heart rate to full muscle confusion.

Both of these are timed carefully to correspond with YOUR eating habits!

Don’t worry, this Program does not require any modification in the types of food you consume.  (Great for “picky” eaters!)

Here’s how it works:

You sign up with our qualified staff who follow you throughout the day.  (An additional night-time monitoring can be obtained with a slightly higher fee.  Contact your consultant for details.)

Just when you are about to put Food, Drink, Candy etc. into your mouth your dietary consultant will Slap the Crap out of you!

This New and Exciting approach to dietary health will provide you with the time-tested reinforcement historically shown to change your eating habits in a very positive way.  (Technically the reinforcement methods are “negative” but the results are Positive!  Very Positive!)

We have, as the second ancillary benefit, witnessed this progress into full contact fighting! If you have watched any MMA, or Ultimate Fighting, match you immediately realize the cardio-vascular benefit gained through such exercise.

It’s a double-edged approach to your physical health.  This Program is guaranteed to transform you!  It just doesn’t get any better!

Once you have experienced several iterations of the Slap Diet you may want to upgrade your experience…  and we’re here for you.

We offer an enhanced Slap Diet Program for a small, reasonable, Premium.

This Upgraded Program replaces your dietary consultant with anonymous individuals who we have outsourced the responsibility to help keep you on course.

Instead of a single person accompanying you throughout the day, and/or night, there will be complete strangers tasked with “Slapping Down that extra Pound” at the exact moment of your poor decision-making.  The bonus associated with this Premium Package is not having to feel the oppression tied to a single person following you around all the time.  Remarkably, the benefits remain the same… and in many cases become even more effective!  This is because the Premium Slap Package offers you the excitement of spontaneity.  Your Dietary Consultant could be a family member, a close friend or even the guy who just served you that double dip of Mint Chip Ice Cream… You’ll just never know!  It’s our Promise to You!

If you’re interested in this Brand New fully Guaranteed approach to your dietary health, please contact us through the comments section and we’ll customize a plan based specifically on your needs.

If you’re interested in joining our team you are also invited to contact us directly through the comments section.  Applicants compensation will be evaluated based on need and qualifications.  Please be advised, many of our Dietary Consultants work pro-bono and compete for jobs within this program.

Our Motto:  It’s fun for You!  It’s fun for Us!

It’s not just a Snap, it’s a Slap!

So get Slapped Happy today!

Slap Diet!

(“Slap the Crap out of You”, “Slap Diet”, “It’s Fun for You!  It’s Fun for Us!”, “It’s not just a Snap, it’s a Slap!” and “Slap Down that extra Pound!” are all pending Trademarks of DESFM LLC.  All interested parties are required to sign liability waivers absolving DESFM LLC and our Dietary Consulates from any responsibility, harm or permanent mental damage associated with any aspect of employment or participation in the Slap Diet Program.)

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The Bourbon Diet.

Have you tried all those other diet fads only to gain all that weight back?

Are you tired of feeling awful while trying to stay trim?

Well help is on the way!

This is the Revolutionary Diet that your doctor will never tell you about!

Welcome to the Bourbon Diet! 

So simple a six-year-old could do it!  (I’ve never seen this happen.)

Follow these easy steps:

1. If you are hungry pour yourself one ounce of the bourbon of your choice.

2. Drink the bourbon.

3. Wait two minutes exactly.  Still hungry?  Repeat steps 1 through 3.

Note:  Your hunger is guaranteed to subside or you’ll pass out!

There is the added benefit of occasional involuntary purging… leading to even further weight loss!

Our Diet replaces that bothersome ritual of morning tooth brushing!

You’ll be a hit at the office, for a while!

You’ll be envied for your trendy “nightclub” scent!

Good luck and enjoy that slimmer, trimmer, way cooler you!

(The side effects of this diet are too numerous to list and it is not recommended by any medical professional… or anyone else.  This diet is not intended for anyone under 21 years of age or operating any kind of machinery.  The Bourbon Diet is not recommended for six-year olds. This is not associated in any way with the vodka diet.  It might seem similar but it’s completely different.  WAY more American.  This Diet has been Successfully practiced throughout Washington D.C. for over 50-years.  This Diet is in no way associated with AA or any for-profit rehabilitation centers.)

(Originally posted 012212)

The One Ingredient Cookbook

The One Ingredient Cookbook

Our New Cookbook will guide you through the DESFM nutritional requirements.*

All of our recipes are intended to be eaten on their own, without modification.  In other words, No Roasting, No Baking, No Boiling, No Microwaving or even leaving out in the sun.

No Fuss, No Muss…

Easy, easy, easy!

The Thrill you will feel is that every one of these suggestions are all you can eat… ALL YOU CAN EAT!*

So Fill Up!

Here is a short list of some of My Team’s Favorites:

1.) Salt

2.) Flour

3.) Pepper

4.) Vinegar

5.) Corn Meal

6.) Onions

7.) Eggplant

8.) Baker’s Chocolate

9.) Parsley

10.) Heavy Cream

11.) Olive Oil

12.) Garlic

and of course…

13.) Water

I know there are many foods which fit this category… so be creative.  The World is your Oyster!  (Oysters must be eaten by themselves.  The Shells are optional.)

Bon Apetit!

This Diet can be used in conjunction with Our Other Patented Diet Plans.  Search Diet on our Site and Start Losing!

Cheers – Mike

*(Consult a Physician before doing Anything I Suggest… Ever.)

*(only one ingredient per meal allowed.)

(Originally posted 042414)

Burger King and Brown Gravy

It appears Burger King is Buying Tim Horton’s in Canada so it can move it’s base of operations up North to avoid the confiscatory corporate tax rates in the United States.

Let me ask anyone who see’s this as a Treasonous Betrayal…

Do you want the Number Two Fast Food Chain to stay in business so it can pay the Artificially High Minimum Wages set by politicians and moronic voters?

Yes… I do!

Well that’s what they’re trying to do, so you should be headed to the Burger Kind Drive-Up Window for your Double Whopper with Cheese and a Large Coke that you know you Love. (Eat it while you drive.)  Instead of calling for a Boycott.

No… I don’t!

Then you Hate minimum wage workers. You Hate readily available nutrition for the poor. You Hate the additional time afforded those single Moms who have to work three jobs and don’t have time to make dinner at home. You just Hate.  Hater.

You created this conundrum.  Sleep in it.

I’m just excited now that I can get my Double Whopper with Cheese, Extra-large Coke and an order of Fries WITH Gravy and Cheese Curds!  Brilliant!

(Some Day BK might see clearly and bring back the Veal Parmesan Sandwich.  I would buy shares at that point.)

The DESFM Diet

Following is part of a series of Diet and Supplemental Cookbooks to aid those of us who need it most.

All Free of Charge.

You’re Welcome.

This Series will begin with:

The DESFM Diet.

DESFM is time-tested, Scientifically Proven and 100% Guaranteed to work… or your money back.

It is an incredibly simple two-step system designed to have the least impact regarding changes to what you eat.

Grab a pen. Make sure you’re sitting down… this is powerful stuff.  Remember, “Diet” simply means what an individual consumes.  “Diet” does not imply “temporary”.  It is what, and how, you are eating right now.  If you’re a fat guy like me, then your “diet” is potato chips and m&m’s washed down with a tall cold glass of milk.  Got it?  But I’m about to share the secret on how to change that!

Ready?

DESFM:

Step 1.) Don’t Eat So F*cking Much.
Step 2.) Repeat step one.

Occasionally people have a difficult time with DESFM as they lack the discipline to follow the rules.

So, Tomorrow we’ll present you the free supplement to the DESFM diet; The All you can eat One Ingredient Cookbook!

If you haven’t already, be sure to explore the benefits of the Bourbon Diet.

Cheers, I’m off to apply the Bourbon Diet right now!

Only Eat What You Kill Diet!

Diet Series Part IV

For those of you who found DESFM and Full Length Mirror too restrictive, I want to introduce you to the…

Only Eat What You Kill Diet

This companion piece is also a proven path to weight loss.  Guaranteeeeeeed!

While this diet is slightly more labor intensive than the DESFM diet, it is an all you can eat approach to losing weight.

Here you go;

1.)  If you’re putting it into your mouth, you must have personally killed it… with your bare hands.

2.)  Eat as much as you want… so long as you killed it… with your bare hands.

3.)  Repeat steps 1 and 2.

We have found that this dietary system is particularly effective for Urban Dwellers.  So instead of feeding the Flying Rats in Central Park, you’ll be trying to eat them. Everybody wins!  Having a hard time in the park?  Head to the Subway…

So, if you want a steak… find a cow.  If you want a tomato… find a vine.  Flour? – Wheat Field. etc.  Pickles?  Nope, just a cucumber you killed.  Get it?

Simple enough.

This diet can also be used in conjunction with the Bourbon Diet.  Because nothing says “good hunting” like the smell of alcohol on your breath.  (Not recommended by any responsible person.)  This diet can also be used in conjunction with the sport of Elk Boxing.  As a Extra Bonus, You might find the combination of bloody hands and the smell of alcohol aids in avoiding all those uncomfortable daily social interactions.  Don’t worry, we wont charge you!

I will eventually address The “No Processed Food” and “No Hands” diets, but for the moment this concludes the makeaneffort dietary program.  Go and be lighter.

Cheers!

And, You’re Welcome.

The Full Length Mirror Diet

Full Length Mirror Diet.

Of all the diets, this might be my favorite.  It has the important parts, Love and Hate, Joy and Despair, with a heavy dose of truth.

Warning: While this is also an “all you can eat” approach to weight loss, it could be the most difficult for your self-esteem.

There is only one rule:

1.) Every meal MUST be eaten, completely nude while standing in front of a full length mirror.

Don’t get discouraged, it’s OK to cry… in fact, it’s expected.

This is also 100% guaranteed to work regardless of who you are.

Also be aware this Diet could be difficult to follow at work, but once you explain it to your co-workers we are sure they will understand.  Not only that, we’re also pretty sure you’ll get the bathroom all to yourself.

Although, if your blind, you will have to stand in front of another person (Preferably one who doesn’t like you very much.) and have them describe how they feel about what you doing.  You just might want to kill them, but that feeling is letting you know you’re doing it right.  And, you’re blind so you’ll never catch them… anyway that leads me to my next great Diet Plan.  You can Only Eat What You Kill Diet.  This Diet will appear tomorrow.

Enjoy!

Butter your doughnuts…

Put mayonnaise on your french fries.
Dip your pizza in ranch dressing.
Bread and deep fry your cheese.
Put a little gravy on everything.

Potatoes and Corn are the only ‘vegetables’ that matter…

Keep calling the double frappichimotto with whipped cream and caramel sauce you get a Starbucks “coffee”.

It’s true, regardless of the size, a bag of chips is a single serving.
Weight lifters eat five meals a day… and so should you.
Apple, Orange and Grape juice have to be good for you…
If fruit is healthy, then five pounds of it blended into a single drink and poured into a styrofoam cup will make you immortal.

There is always an excuse to eat chocolate.  Always.

Low fat means you can eat as much as you want.

Sugar cubes have no fat!  So… buy a box… or two…

When you see an “all you can eat” buffet it ceases to be dinner and becomes a contest.

People have to love me for what’s on the inside.  (Which is a mashed up, partly digested, brown porridge of all of the above.  And, by the way, no we don’t.)

And the only significant thing about the word Diet is it has the word “Die” in it.

I genuinely support your right to do and believe all of this… but don’t expect me to be happy when you try to force me to pay for it.

The only solution is to make your health care insurance Personal  (You pay for your decisions) and Portable (It stays with you wherever you go.).  Not a single-payer government-run scheme (Obamacare or Medicare for All) making all of us who are not decision impaired pay your health care costs.

That way, you can keep buttering your doughnuts and I’ll keep cheering you on!

And yes, bacon actually does make everything taste better… even ice cream, or that fruit smoothie.