Tag Archives: DESFM

The Slap Diet!

Diet Series Part V…

“Slap Down that extra Pound!”

This Revolutionary Diet Program offers multiple benefits with our primary goal being quick, and often permanent, weight loss.

The Slap Diet! is comprised of two fundamental components.  First being a historically proven reinforcement method.  Second being a sudden cardio-vascular fitness workout ranging from simply raising your heart rate to full muscle confusion.

Both of these are timed carefully to correspond with YOUR eating habits!

Don’t worry, this Program does not require any modification in the types of food you consume.  (Great for “picky” eaters!)

Here’s how it works:

You sign up with our qualified staff who follow you throughout the day.  (An additional night-time monitoring can be obtained with a slightly higher fee.  Contact your consultant for details.)

Just when you are about to put Food, Drink, Candy etc. into your mouth your dietary consultant will Slap the Crap out of you!

This New and Exciting approach to dietary health will provide you with the time-tested reinforcement historically shown to change your eating habits in a very positive way.  (Technically the reinforcement methods are “negative” but the results are Positive!  Very Positive!)

We have, as the second ancillary benefit, witnessed this progress into full contact fighting! If you have watched any MMA, or Ultimate Fighting, match you immediately realize the cardio-vascular benefit gained through such exercise.

It’s a double-edged approach to your physical health.  This Program is guaranteed to transform you!  It just doesn’t get any better!

Once you have experienced several iterations of the Slap Diet you may want to upgrade your experience…  and we’re here for you.

We offer an enhanced Slap Diet Program for a small, reasonable, Premium.

This Upgraded Program replaces your dietary consultant with anonymous individuals who we have outsourced the responsibility to help keep you on course.

Instead of a single person accompanying you throughout the day, and/or night, there will be complete strangers tasked with “Slapping Down that extra Pound” at the exact moment of your poor decision-making.  The bonus associated with this Premium Package is not having to feel the oppression tied to a single person following you around all the time.  Remarkably, the benefits remain the same… and in many cases become even more effective!  This is because the Premium Slap Package offers you the excitement of spontaneity.  Your Dietary Consultant could be a family member, a close friend or even the guy who just served you that double dip of Mint Chip Ice Cream… You’ll just never know!  It’s our Promise to You!

If you’re interested in this Brand New fully Guaranteed approach to your dietary health, please contact us through the comments section and we’ll customize a plan based specifically on your needs.

If you’re interested in joining our team you are also invited to contact us directly through the comments section.  Applicants compensation will be evaluated based on need and qualifications.  Please be advised, many of our Dietary Consultants work pro-bono and compete for jobs within this program.

Our Motto:  It’s fun for You!  It’s fun for Us!

It’s not just a Snap, it’s a Slap!

So get Slapped Happy today!

Slap Diet!

(“Slap the Crap out of You”, “Slap Diet”, “It’s Fun for You!  It’s Fun for Us!”, “It’s not just a Snap, it’s a Slap!” and “Slap Down that extra Pound!” are all pending Trademarks of DESFM LLC.  All interested parties are required to sign liability waivers absolving DESFM LLC and our Dietary Consulates from any responsibility, harm or permanent mental damage associated with any aspect of employment or participation in the Slap Diet Program.)


The Handcuff Diet

Taking inspiration from my friends… and past personal experience, I have devised a new and seemingly foolproof diet.

Please put your hands together and Welcome the…

The Handcuff Diet!

Guaranteed to cause weight loss!

Here’s what you do:

First…

Buy a pair of Handcuffs.  (Not the ones you keep next to the bed… I’m talking about Real Ones.  If you already have our previously suggested Serial Killer Kit, use the heavy duty zip ties.  If you followed our directions, it’s in your trunk.)

Second…

Cuff your hands behind your back.  (This is the only part you may request help if needed.  If you can’t see your genitalia… you’ll probably need help.)

Finally…

Keep your hands cuffed behind your back until you have lost your desired amount of weight.  (Could be two weeks… could be two years.  It’s all up to You!)

That’s it!

So Simple even You can do it!

I know you’ll want to cheat.  But here’s the beautiful part;

Now when you find yourself in the line at McDonald’s ordering your between meal snack of a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, Chicken McNuggets, Large Fry, Chocolate Shake and two Happy Meals for the kids you don’t have, (Needless to say, the drive-through is out unless you know how to drive a car with your hands cuffed behind your back… I’m sure a couple of you do…) this Diet adds just the right amount of difficulty.  Sure you can get to your wallet… and sure, you might be able to retrieve the bag from the counter… but finding the right place to dump the contents on the ground so you can shove your face in it takes time.

Of Course…

Delivery is always an option, but after a few of those the word get’s around… and even the delivery guys, as shady as they might be, are repulsed by a fat guy with several days of Pizza and Chinese smeared all over his face trying to get them to ‘reach into their back pocket’ to get paid.  I have some experience with this, but it’s the front pocket, still handcuffs and Chinese, but nothing to do with Food.  It led to the inspiring ‘past personal experience’ prompting this Revolutionary new way to eat…)

So join the fastest growing body of Federal ‘Residents’ who already know about this brand new approach to food!

The Time is Now!

 

You too can get the look of an Inmate!

Note:  The Handcuff Diet, Slap Diet, DESFM and Only Eat what You Kill Diet are Trademarks of WEREHERETOHELP LLC.  Other Collateral Materials such as the One Ingredient Cookbook and the Urban Game Hunting Guide are copyrights. Express permission must be obtained prior to use or duplication.


Burger King and Brown Gravy

It appears Burger King is Buying Tim Horton’s in Canada so it can move it’s base of operations up North to avoid the confiscatory corporate tax rates in the United States.

Let me ask anyone who see’s this as a Treasonous Betrayal…

Do you want the Number Two Fast Food Chain to stay in business so it can pay the Artificially High Minimum Wages set by politicians and moronic voters?

Yes… I do!

Well that’s what they’re trying to do, so you should be headed to the Burger Kind Drive-Up Window for your Double Whopper with Cheese and a Large Coke that you know you Love. (Eat it while you drive.)  Instead of calling for a Boycott.

No… I don’t!

Then you Hate minimum wage workers. You Hate readily available nutrition for the poor. You Hate the additional time afforded those single Moms who have to work three jobs and don’t have time to make dinner at home. You just Hate.  Hater.

You created this conundrum.  Sleep in it.

I’m just excited now that I can get my Double Whopper with Cheese, Extra-large Coke and an order of Fries WITH Gravy and Cheese Curds!  Brilliant!

(Some Day BK might see clearly and bring back the Veal Parmesan Sandwich.  I would buy shares at that point.)


The DESFM Diet

Following is part of a series of Diet and Supplemental Cookbooks to aid those of us who need it most.

All Free of Charge.

You’re Welcome.

This Series will begin with:

The DESFM Diet.

DESFM is time-tested, Scientifically Proven and 100% Guaranteed to work… or your money back.

It is an incredibly simple two-step system designed to have the least impact regarding changes to what you eat.

Grab a pen. Make sure you’re sitting down… this is powerful stuff.  Remember, “Diet” simply means what an individual consumes.  “Diet” does not imply “temporary”.  It is what, and how, you are eating right now.  If you’re a fat guy like me, then your “diet” is potato chips and m&m’s washed down with a tall cold glass of milk.  Got it?  But I’m about to share the secret on how to change that!

Ready?

DESFM:

Step 1.) Don’t Eat So F*cking Much.
Step 2.) Repeat step one.

Occasionally people have a difficult time with DESFM as they lack the discipline to follow the rules.

So, Tomorrow we’ll present you the free supplement to the DESFM diet; The All you can eat One Ingredient Cookbook!

If you haven’t already, be sure to explore the benefits of the Bourbon Diet.

Cheers, I’m off to apply the Bourbon Diet right now!