Tag Archives: all about me

The Drunken Monkey

Since it has been made Public that Your Tax Dollars, via the Federal Government, subsidize my Drinking…

I thought it might be time to remind everyone Who I Am.

Drunken Monkey

A Self Portrait.

I took the above Selfie just now.  I’ve been told that I need to establish a personal connection with people. So where better to start than right here.  Sure… I had other shots…  but Most of them were either taken be various Law Enforcement Agencies or show me in a less dignified light.  (For those of you who have seen me passed out naked in the front lawn, I’m Sorry.  As you folks can understand, I didn’t think it appropriate to subject anyone else to images that can never be genuinely scrubbed from one’s psyche.)

Some of my Favorite things are Long Slow walks on the Beach… and the Crystal Blue Water close to the Equator.  Hammering on my Keyboard.  Eating with Friends.  Elk Boxing.   Audrey Hepburn… not so much Katherine.  Watching the Sun Rise just before bed.  None of which I enjoy sober.

I rarely wear clothes, but when I do it’s always something unusual.  I lean towards Small Fez-like hats and the occasional Red Vest.

I’ve always wanted to be able to Fly.

I value a Strong, Disciplined sense of Situational Morality and Ethics.  It all depends on the Situation…

My Favorite colors are whatever you’re Eating.  And I want it.

My Drinking makes everybody else better.

I have two brain cells left… and they fight.

My favorite person is my lovely wife…  her least favorite person is me.  It keeps the Universe in balance.

I know what a call list is… bourbon, scotch, vodka, gin, rum, tequila.  And all should be had in that order daily.

I am the Me in Team.  I also like to Eat Meat and Mate.

I generally hate people.  It’s kind of where I start when establishing a relationship.

I hope you all now feel closer to me.

I know I feel closer to you.

OK, may be not.

– Mike

(I’m also flashing you in my picture!  Too late, you already looked.  Ha!  I know it’s not very big… but as our family crest says in Latin; If you don’t like cute you wont like us.  But it works just fine for me.)

(Originally posted 091214)


My Halloween Costume…

This Year I’ve decided to Frequent all 17 of my favorite Bars and Bowling Ally’s as…

A Narcissistic Nurse!

The basic get up will be a Bicycle helmet, Tight Black yoga pants and a “Hope and Change 2012” button. (I thought about the white clad, sexy nurse, thing but it doesn’t really convey the true horror or instill the level of genuine fear I’m looking for.)

In preparation I spent this morning Sharing needles with a local prostitute. Then I had sex with her… him… hard to tell from the extensive festering sores. I did however ask if I could borrow some of the Atazanvir and Valtrex in his/her jeans pocket.

Not having time to visit West Africa I then decided to head down to the mission and have as many homeless men with respiratory problems cough on me as possible. Just to be sure I wasn’t wasting my time I had them hack directly into my mouth. In fairness, I only allowed 45 minutes of consistent wheezing and hacking before it felt like I had received the attention I was looking for. Wiping my face off, I returned home.

But not before I found sewer grate downtown and gave it a throughout licking.
For the record, I chose that particular one because it smelled most like urine, decay, mixed strangely with skittles.

Once home, I whipped out my wife’s yoga pants and winched them up around my big chunky butt.

I pulled out my light blue pullover and donned my kid’s bicycle helmet.  The Hope and Change button I had to borrow…

Gazing into the mirror I knew I’d achieved my goal.

So tonight I will head out and drink from everyone’s glass…

Share everyone’s food…

And Dance like there’s no tomorrow…

Then I’ll pass out those sweaty, overly long and oddly uncomfortable hugs with abundance!

You might be asking if there is any possibility I could be giving them all gifts that keep on giving?

May be… or may be not.

But it’s not really about them…

Happy Halloween!

I’ll be the one behind you sneezing on your neck.