So… Today I’m declaring my run for the Presidency of these United States of America!
For those of you who know me, this will come as no surprise. I have declared myself President of a number of Countries throughout the Western Hemisphere. Canada was fun because I smoked a bunch of crack, rubbed limp bacon all over my body, dressed up like Chris Farley then didn’t say anything but “I’m the President, eh.” and everyone I met believed me. It was awesome! But, as usual, it appears there’s a ‘Formal Process’ here in the U.S. which one must abide by, so whaaaatever.
I should also tell you, Out of respect I have waited for the former Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, to announce her run. However, since it seems she is not going to do this anytime soon I felt like I needed to get on with it. I also wanted to jump in before there was any risk of the Republican field becoming crowded. I think my timing is pretty good.
At this point in my announcement I’ve been instructed by my Campaign manager to illustrate some of the differences I have with the other candidates as well as those areas where we find common ground.
Area’s of agreement…
I too think every Nation in the Middle East should have a Nuclear Weapon, or two. Two is better, that way after they use the first one the other nations still have to think twice. So TWO Nuclear Weapons. Yes, even the Palestinians. They just need to figure out whose running things. We could use the Nuclear Weapon thing as a kind of carrot… “Hey! You guys figure out whose running things, and we’ll send you a couple of Nuclear Weapons!” Talk about ‘getting things done in the Middle East! I’d get a Nobel Peace Prize just like the guy in the White House now. And I also Smoke! We’re practically brothers.
I think everyone who doesn’t do anything should get a check from the government. I mean come on! How else are they going have any money to buy stuff when they don’t do anything. I feel the same way for people who make really, really, super-stupid decisions. There’s too many of these types of decisions to list them all, and I know I’d forget a few if I tried. And it’s just nicer to send them all a check than to make them feel bad.
Since we’re on the subject of Free Stuff, I think everyone who can’t afford to buy stuff should get it for Free. Even if they just don’t want to pay for it… they should get it for Free. Free is totally Cool!
Everyone should get Free College! That way a College Education will be worth as much as an Elementary and High School one. This way Everybody will be way smart. Awesome!
Oh, and just like Hillary’s husband, everybody should be Pro-Choice. That way no one can ever be a rapist. Never! Because rape is bad. So be Pro-Choice so you can’t be one.
Finally, I think you can be whatever you want to be! Just say out loud that you ‘identify’ as that ‘whatever’ it is. For me it’s being Presidents… but find your own ‘thing’, my ‘thing’ is taken. I don’t like Competition.
OK, now for some Differences:
I think everyone should get Free Booze! We will build a separate Interstate system for Drunks. We’ll call it the Intoxicated Services Interstate System. Or, ISIS for short. It’s very simple. You’ll have to have a certain Blood Alcohol Level BEFORE you can drive on them. They’ve already been doing this in Alaska and New Mexico for decades. It works! Genius.
I believe if you decide to ‘identify’ with any minority, of any kind, you should Never Have to Go to Jail! Ever! For Anything!
For instance, I ‘identify’ as being President of no less than 7 countries. You have to admit, that’s a pretty small group. And I can tell you, my life has been difficult because of Non-President Bias. There are a lot of Haters out there. But you know Hater’s gonna Hate.
Everyone needs more Money! So the United States should print as much of it as we can, and mail it out to Everyone. Everyday we should be able to go to the mailbox and get more money. That way we can buy stuff. You don’t have a mailbox? No problem. We’ll give police Huge Bags of Money to pass out to anyone who asks for it. That way the Police can stop being a bunch of mean dudes enforcing stupid laws to Hella Cool guys, and girls too.
Oh… same as above for Health Care. That should all be Free and we can have the Firemen hand that out!
We Should get to sleep in everyone else’s house whenever we want! How cool would that be?! You have a bedroom you’re not using? I just might decide to stop by and hang with you guys for a while! This would go a long way to getting rid of Racism, Homophobia, and all the other Bigotry that exists in the horrible country. Think about how a couple of months with me in your house would improve your life. And it would totally cure the homeless problem. I know what you’re thinking… SOME PEOPLE, we all those types, won’t want to do this. That’s OK! I will have The Government make them do it. It’ll be AWESOME!
Now I’m supposed to be totally Honest with you about my past.
1. I’ve done all the drugs. Well, there are probably some new ones that I don’t know about, but I’ll get to those.
2. I’ve had sex with millions of Women, and probably some Men. I don’t remember any of their names. Refer to #1.
3. I’ve illegally made Billions of Dollars. I don’t remember how. Refer to #1.
4. I’m an Alcoholic. Well, not really… I have NO Problem Drinking! Ha! Get it! no problem… man, that never get’s old.
5. I’m totally into Solar, because when the Sun expands we’ll have the Energy we could ever need.
6. I’ve got 28 kids… from 19 different women. But I haven’t married more than one of them! So it’s totally legal!
11. I just now totally found a drug I haven’ dood ysnal’mxw Refer to #1.