Shortly after shelving the launch of the much-anticipated Apple Ascot (a very popular form of neckwear during the 1930s to the late 1960s favored by fireside sitting, cognac-sipping cigar smokers, and founders of men’s magazines) which Apple engineered with every available high-tech advantage currently available to modern man, Apple decided to move ahead with the Apple Ankle Monitor.
Nicknamed the iProbation, the Apple Ankle Monitor is a surprising change in direction from their previous business model built upon wearable tech integrated into obsolete clothing and jewelry accessories.
This brand new approach is based on myriad consumer studies, as well as focus group data, identifying a target market of 18-34 year old adults who are forced to wear tracking devices.
The Marketing Department for Apple see’s this as a ‘no-fail’ line extension employing its current operating system, as IOS already supplies all of the tracking capabilities Demanded by the NSA in addition to unmatched computing capabilities in a single miniature device. According to an unnamed Apple executive; “What could be better? Our products forced upon our targeted consumer demographic… the synergy present is the highest definition of win-win. Authorities can keep track of every individual wearing the device real-time, and those wearing the device can play games with both hands… all provided Free at Taxpayer Expense.”
“It should be noted, users will require a magnifying glass which may be purchased separately and crafted (and regularly re-crafted) to work only with the iProbation… and, of course, an iPhone for the new device to sync with… but those are minor details. Developers have considered providing the iProbation an ability to sync with any iPhone located within ten meters without permission. The thought being it would accommodate those consumers within this highly desirable demographic who are forced to steal… sorry… abscond… no… acquire… different phones on a regular basis.” “We have also found focus group data indicating a strong desire for Ankle Monitors. The kids these days see having their own Monitor as a Status Identifier. They have also expressed the appeal of being able to display their unique personalities… so we will be offering various colors and customization options as well as designer variations supported by our Celebrity Endorsers.”
For those of you out there who constantly think the Days of Apple are behind them since the premature death of Founder Steve Jobs and this new investment in what some may call a niche market, the Anonymous Apple executive indicated there continue to exist internal debates. He claims an energetic push to fund parallel designs of wearable tech based on outdated clothing, accessory and social trends. Among ideas still being explored is the Apple Top Hat, the Apple Elizabethan Ruff Collar, the Apple Wedding Ring nicknamed iWed and a super expensive series of Wrist Watches.
As far as this columnist is concerned, The Apple Empire is far from Over!
I predict their iDominance within the Computer Industry will last forever, just like all the other Computer Pioneers.
Write that in your Palm Pilot… with that special script you had to learn.