Ban Them!

After yet another Marathon Tragedy it has become clear we have an epidemic.

Between 1140 and 3420 lives are claimed each year just in the United States by Marathons alone. This does not account for those deaths, and myriad injuries, caused by lesser races and the training associated with them.

While we are paying attention to other things, a plague is stealing the lives of those we care for most.

WE NEED TO WAKE UP!

SOMETHING MUST BE DONE!

If you doubt me, try asking the mother of a lost child.  Look in the eyes of those brothers, sisters and friends of someone whose life was taken far too early.

It is within our power to stop this.

It goes without saying… no one should be running towards danger except first responders.  And, unless you’re guilty of something no one should be running away. (It’s also just not the way to handle your problems.)

I know what you’re saying… “If Running Shoes are illegal then only criminals will have Running Shoes.” This might be the case. But we must start somewhere and getting these things literally off of the street must be our primary concern.  Our lives depend on it.

Some of you might think you need a pair of running shoes for your health. I will point out countless studies show walking is just as effective if not more so than running.

You might even say that anyone can “run” in a pair of walking shoes.  Sure, it’s possible, but we’re talking about “Running” shoes.  These Shoes are designed to do nothing but being run in.  These are shoes that should only be on the feet of our military and police.  The public has no need for such a specialized, and deadly, shoe.

Some of you might offer that a good pair of running shoes cut down on carbon emissions.  It’s important to remember that runners consume more oxygen and exhale more often than normal people.  And, what do they exhale?  That’s right… CO2! This is just the tip of the environmental destruction caused by running.  Running paths destroy the natural beauty of our open spaces, the manufacture of these hideous instruments of death cause all kinds of environmental problems in the third world countries in which they are produced.  I could go on, but surely you get the point.

Many of you believe that a pair of running shoes can save you from assailants trying to do you harm.  This simply isn’t true.  It has been pointed out that you would be dead anyway.  And, the police are our first line of defense… that heavy burden must never fall on your shoulders.

A few of you “wacko-birds” might suggest you have a “right” to own a pair of running shoes. While you people are clearly insane and your misreading of the U.S. Constitution and Bill of Rights has led you and your ilk to assume such a “right”, I will point out that nowhere is it written that you have a “right to run”… anywhere. Let alone own a pair of running shoes.

And, the most extreme of you will say something along the lines of “Running Shoes don’t kill people, people kill people.”  We all know that the mere presence of running shoes promotes RUNNING!  What else are they used for!?  You people are sick, and stupid.  Just look at the statistics!

All of YOU need to calm down!

We are not talking about banning ALL shoes. I come from a big family of Walkers… I enjoy Walking.  I respect your right to walk and would never infringe on that right… ever.  In fact, I’m a proud member of the National Walking Association.  I will stand up for your right to walk!

What we are talking about here is saving lives.  Reducing crime.  Saving the planet.

What we are talking about is the future we pass down to our children.

What we are talking about is a better, safer, world.

Today we will begin demanding our elected representatives address this problem.

We will expect them to introduce a Running Shoe Control Bill as soon as possible.

And within that bill must be a total ban on all recreational running… there is simply no place for such an activity in a civilized world.  The innocent lives saved by this simple provision will be incalculable.

We must also demand a mandatory health check-up and registry of those wishing to purchase a pair of running shoes.  If these things are going to be out there we must know where they are and be sure they’re only on the feet of those who are responsible enough to own them.

Lastly there should be some nod to child safety.

We cannot afford to expose the most fragile among us to such needless risk.

Please,

Join us before it’s too late…

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About Mike

Background is in Media with a little History Major thrown in just to be annoying. View all posts by Mike

5 responses to “Ban Them!

  • xPraetorius

    I love this!

    You’re suggesting Running Shoes Control; at my blog I proposed Democrat Control — with the idea of banning assault Democrats and fully-automatic Democrats first, then incrementally getting to the semi-automatic Democrats.

    I never thought we needed to ban their ammunition. They ran out of that some time ago.

    Seriously, though does any community really need assault Democrats and automatic Democrats running around? Best just to take them off the streets.

    What else should we ban?

    How about air? After all, everyone who ever died breathed air.

    Best,

    — x

    Like

  • insanitybytes22

    I’m sorry, we can’t ban running right now, we’re busy trying to ban vending machines. They fall on people sometimes. Also the things sold in them are bad for you.

    Maybe you’d settle for a running tax? We like sin taxes here because it brings us lots of revenue, I mean it helps people to understand the seriousness of the issue.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Mike

      You have a point… this was an old appeal from April 2013. However, those who run cross socio-economic classes and a tax might be ‘regressive’ in nature. So maybe I’ll compromise and shoot for a ban on Stupid Shoes.

      Liked by 1 person

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