In an apparent state of barely contained rage the White House has initiated what could be considered nothing less than an all out assault on the Kremlin. A New Hashtag Campaign has been issued with authority:
#Pleasedonotshootdowncommercialairliners
During this morning’s press conference President Obama also made demands that the ‘evidence’ of the downed flight full of civilians not be ‘tampered with’. And to make sure this does not happen the White House has dispatched the most capable members of the IRS’ IT Department.
According to a classified source close to the event the latest communications intercept after the President’s Press Conference have been inconclusive. According to our source; “We have not been able to discern how the International Community is receiving the President’s message. We have experienced what seems to be a technical glitch in the NSA collection of data and communications. For the last hour all of our intercept sounds like laughing, followed by gasping for air and then more laughing. We are working on the problem and hope to have something more substantive available shortly.”
In a related story, it is rumored the White House is working on several new hashtag offensives.
#Stopcomingacrosstheborderillegallyjustbecauseyougettostayandwewillgiveyoufreestuff
#Theeconomyisrecoveringtheeconomyisrecoveringtheeconomyisrecovering
#Bringbackourcredibility
#Iamnotasocialist
and
#Wearethegovernmentandweareheretohelp
In an attempt to confirm these new, what some may call brave, initiatives State Department Spokesperson Psaki held up a sign with the words ‘Tweet Tweet Tweet’ and gave us a thumbs up.
While we had the Spokesperson’s attention we asked if she might know what the President’s response will be to Israel’s move into Gaza. Ms. Psaki referred us to the White House Spokesperson for an official statement but didn’t think it would be available for several days because she didn’t believe the President has had an opportunity to watch the news recently.
makeaneffort 
July 18th, 2014 at 8:13 pm
Awesome! A whole new hashtag followed by some strongly worded tweets! This is actually an improvement overly the deeply profound statement, “This appears to have been a tragedy.” I spent half a day trying to understand the deeper meaning behind those words before finally realizing I’m just not that good at 11-dimensional chess. Apparently the Great Orator tends to speak over my head.
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July 18th, 2014 at 9:30 pm
He speaks over mine as well… I just thought I was short.
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July 18th, 2014 at 5:39 pm
I understand that Josh Earnest has just announced that the White House will be referring to Borscht as “freedom beet soup.” Furthermore plans are in the works to implement tariffs on imported Russian goods like vodka, caviar and brides.
If these hammer blows aren’t enough, the administration is working on pulling together a Coalition of the Not Completely Intimidated by Putin Coalition (in case you didn’t hear it the first time) (CoaNCIPCo). However, talks have encountered a snag, since the only such régimes on the planet are those called “North Korea,” and “Iran,” and “Cuba,” and “Syria.”
An Administration spokeswoman said that, “relations between these countries and the United States have been strained lately, but Secretary Kerry is working feverishly on a plan to give in unconditionally to everything these ‘Pending Partners’ want in order to get them to join the Coalition of the Not Completely Intimidated by Putin Coalition (in case you didn’t hear it the first time).”
In related stories, the Administration announced that the US would not be joining CoaNCIPCo at this time.
Simultaneously England, in a goodwill gesture, withdrew its ground forces from London and France surrendered unconditionally.
Best,
— x
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July 18th, 2014 at 9:23 pm
Oh My God… well of course the Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey’s gave up unconditionally. We’re given one of their flags at every Fine French Meal. Brilliant.
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July 19th, 2014 at 8:16 am
Interestingly, I have it on good authority that they weren’t always cheese eating surrender monkeys.
A bad translation from a bad translator (Duh!) — one Gomeur Pille — rendered “Boots on the ground” as “Hands in the air.”
When a certain American President whose name (Food Does Relate) shall go unmentioned said something about “no boots on the ground in Europe” before Pearl Harbor, Monsieur Pille translated it as “no hands in the air in Europe.” Since the French always do the opposite of what they are asked to do, they immediately flung their weapons down on the ground and their “hands in the air,” paving the way for Nazi domination of continental Europe for the next four years.
This simple bad translation transformed potentially fire-breathing defenders of liberty into cheese-eating surrender monkeys and thus began a grand French tradition.
True story.
Again, I’m not mentioning the President’s name, but I have to go do a Foxtrot on the Delta with Romeo.
Best
— x
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July 19th, 2014 at 8:58 am
And all this time I thought the quote was ‘Just put your hands in the air like you don’t care!’ followed by ‘the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, we don’t need no water let the mother f*cker burn!!.’, except in French.
I really need to go back and brush up on my history… after all, I did go to public school.
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July 18th, 2014 at 4:49 pm
Masterful reporting!
Who could stand up against the barrage of blistering hashtags unleashed by this most adroit of administrations, plainly willing to unleash the full power of the twitterverse against our adversaries!
Lead from behind? Heck, yeah! And tweet from behind, and post pictures of forlorn-looking, mid-level State Department bureaucrats with poster-board signs, and say indignant words that show how much we care and just how good we are, and issue economic sanctions against several more Russian billionaires, and threaten not to let you stay on the right side of history here with the rest of us…
Had enough yet, Vlad ol’ buddy, ol’ pal?
Well, if you still want more, we could go to the … United Nations! Yep. I said it. I said the UN word. Errrr… words.
Best,
— x
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July 18th, 2014 at 4:59 pm
We have it on good authority that President Putin has, as of 4:59 ET, been banned from staying at any of the Best Western Hotel’s located in the lower 48 States. So anyone who is out there implying the sanctions are not getting tougher are simply not informed and are probably racist.
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