The United States can no longer sit back and Tolerate the Blatant Disregard of the Rules the World has set Forth.
We know that Civilized Countries recognize War, and Brute Force, to be Outdated Methods of Communication.
We, as Citizens of The World, decided that Compromise and Common Purpose is what guides us in all our Endeavors. Of Course we understand that occasionally any one of us may become Confused or Feel Misunderstood. Which brings us to today.
That circumstance has presented itself with Vladimir Putin.
It feels like Some Men just Can’t be Reached…
But President Putin is simply Misunderstood, he is lashing out because of his frustration. We need to reach out to him and bring him back into the Common Fold of Communal Understanding. We need to be ready with Open Arms upon his Return to the International Brotherhood of Man.
But until that time it’s clear that Mr. Putin requires some Tough Love.
So the following is my plan that the Obama Administration may employ. It reflects the Hardline tactics the Current Administration has employed in the past when dealing with those who stray too far from the Common Goal.
The 10 actions for Immediate Implementation:
1. The United States must triple the number of Rubles in the Russian Monetary Supply so the common people can realize the benefit of a burgeoning Economy which always results.
2. The United States must create and administer a Public Service Campaign using Icons such a Man in Pajamas and Kittens to establish a relationship with the Common Russian Citizen and demonstrate doing what we want them to… is nice. And We’re Serious.
3. The United States should let the Russian People know that we will stop recording all of their phone calls… but not their e-mail, text messages and internet surfing habits. We can give Mr. Putin credit so he can build up his reputation with his people.
4. We should ask Mr. Putin who his political enemies are and once identified send our Professional IRS agents over to consult on how to effectively target them.
5. If Mr. Putin insists on annexing just a few more countries we should send over our best BATFE agents to help coordinate the sale and transfer of firearms in order to create a reasonable case for incursion by the Russian Military. We could even offer to up-arm the Bratva if Mr. Putin thinks it’s to his benefit. That organization alone could provide a substantial number of votes not to mention voter loyalty inside and outside Russia’s borders. They might even be persuaded to conduct voter registration as organizations like them have done here in the US for decades.
6. We must set up a Twitter account for Mr. Putin so Citizens of the World can hear him. Communication is the Cornerstone of Understanding. And Concise Communication is always preferred when outlining Complex Ideas. #Onebadasssoviet
7. We can send over our other Best Practices such as wantonly Spending Taxpayer Dollars on Green Energy Companies doomed to Fail but Owned by Major Political Contributors, and Government Imposed Education which requires More and More of the Citizens money every year while providing Lower and Lower test Scores… but keeps Union Money heading his direction with no Accountability!
8. In exchange we can ask Mr. Putin for advice in dealing with our Second Amendment Problem and how He might remove Guns from Citizens without Amending a Constitution.
9. We can further support Mr. Putin’s Economy and the Choices His Citizens have. We would do this by Taking Over Russia’s Health Care System. We can show them how to set up a semi-functional website to Facilitate the Process. I understand there’s a number of Eastern European programmers who would be willing to build it pro-bono. They were apparently involved in the construction of ours…
10. And Finally Our Leaders can meet for a sit-down Dinner somewhere in Europe where They could present Him with the other Bust of Winston Churchill with a collection of Cassette Tapes encompassing all of President Obama’s Speeches and Audio Books from 3rd Grade on. Having a full belly, and some gifts, always lends to a Happier and more Congenial Environment in which to talk out our Problems. If all this Fails to create a break-through… start with the Keg Stands.
As a note to the Obama Administration, please feel free to use any, or all, of these suggestions without hesitation. I require no acknowledgement of any kind…
I’m just here to help.
March 28th, 2014 at 12:22 pm
No, no, no. What Putin really needs is a makeover. See, he needs to get in touch with his feminine side. Because women are caring, unlike those barbaric men who always fight and start wars. Obama needs to invite Putin over for a sleepover, so they can watch Girls and dish about how fat Angela Merkel is getting. Some selfies wouldn’t hurt, either.
March 28th, 2014 at 1:17 pm
Now This Idea has Merit. Quick, Get Valerie Jarrett on the line!