The United States Declares War on China

Yesterday, in preparation for action against China, Secretary of State John Kerry announced the United States possessed direct evidence the Chinese Government has employed a Weapon of Mass Destruction targeting every other country in the World.

Secretary Kerry explained the Chinese have cleverly not used a Nuclear Device but have employed Carbon Dioxide instead.  And, in no uncertain terms China’s use of this Global Warming Weapon will not be tolerated.  He went on to say the U.S. has initiated immediate and decisive action.

Considering China is the World’s largest producer of this Weapon of Mass Destruction it has come as no surprise that a time has come they decided to use it.

In the first troop movements designed to confront and defend this Global Sino Militant Hostility the U.S. has paired up with Indonesian forces.

In response the Chinese have feigned surprise.  While they say they view the Navel actions in Indonesia to be clearly aggressive, they seem stunned by a Declaration of War stating they thought they were simply producing goods American’s wanted not to mention they beleived a Declaration of War required the United States Congress’ approval.  The unnamed Chinese Official also pointed out the United States came in as the Second largest manufacturer of this new CO2 Weapon of Mass Destruction.

A spokesperson for Secretary Kerry replied to these ridiculous assertions stating “Of course Americans continue to expect China to produce the things we want.  Concerning the Declaration of War, we would remind the Chinese that the President of the United States has a pen AND a phone, both of which were made in China!” and “Of Course we know the U.S. is the second largest producer of the new Weapon of Mass Destruction.  After we’re finished with China we have every intention to Declare War on the United States.”  When questioned about Secretary Kerry’s authority to make this Declaration,  his spokesperson said “Secretary Kerry also has a pen and a phone.  In addition, most staffers in the Secretary’s office possess either pens or phones… some even have both.  The Chinese should already be aware of this.”

We’ve contacted the Chinese Consulate for additional comment but local representatives seem befuddled and have said, off the record, they have genuinely no idea what the Secretary of State is talking about.

We contacted a number of high-ranking U.S. officials within the State Department, as well as the Defense Department, and no one we spoke with seemed to understand what Secretary Kerry was talking about either.  But a few did say they we aware, and somewhat concerned, John Kerry had a pen AND a phone.  One Defense Department official said “We do joint Navy exercises with Indonesia every year… what is he talking about?”  One State Department official commented that it was difficult to listen to the Secretary very long as his deep monotone drone and strange intonation put her to sleep after only a few words, but she assured us she would read his comments and get back to us with a comment.

A number of Progressive Groups have come out in Opposition to this Declaration saying; “The Secretary has it all wrong.  Global Warming, while the single most horrific man-made phenomena the planet has ever seen, should only be addressed in Rich Western countries.  Egalitarian Countries like China, Russia, North Korea and Iran need this weapon in order to defend themselves from the Exploitation of Capitalism.  Communal security can only be achieved through MADD.  It’s only Fair.”

We contacted MADD for comment and received a release stating “…officially MADD has no idea what any of these people are saying or what any of it has to do with drunk driving.”

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About Mike

Background is in Media with a little History Major thrown in just to be annoying. View all posts by Mike

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