Government Shutdown: The Movie

Brought to you by Daniel Greenfield… and hopefully coming to a theater near you!

Dan In Panama brought my attention to Mr. Greenfield’s post, and I credit the laughing to them both.

Monday, September 30, 2013

Government Shuts Down, Nation Descends into Riots, Looting and Cannibalism

Posted by Daniel Greenfield @ the Sultan Knish blog 23 Comments
The United States of America (1787-2013) came to a swift and sudden  end last night as the government shut down. The nation which had  survived Pearl Harbor, the War of 1812 and Jimmy Carter ceased to exist.
The savage population, which had only been kept in line through a policy of rigorous gun confiscations, food stamps and Green Energy programs  unleashed its pent up rage in a spree of riots, looting and mass murder  that had only previously been encountered in Somalia.
“The  government shut down! We can do anything we like,” shouted Sam Hasbley  of Grassley, Iowa, while tearing the tag off a mattress despite an  explicit warning label forbidding such a dangerous course of action.  “Tear yours off. The government is shut down. It can’t stop you.”
Eyewitnesses spoke of further horrors. On a quiet street in suburban Massachusetts, a man brought out a set of highly illegal lawn darts. In Maryland, there  were allegations that an entire family had begun digging ditches to  collect rainwater runoff.
With the fall of the government, citizen activists took it upon themselves to chronicle the culture of  lawlessness. Men played Gibson guitars made of wood imported from India, but not finished by Indian workers. Women bought cold medicine without a photo ID. Children went hours without hearing lectures about the  environment.
The victims were many. In Chuckolod County, Colorado, a transgender person was denied access to the Ladies Room. Frantic  calls to the Justice Department were forwarded to an answering service  in Depar, India, instead of Doneparre City, Indiana. In Brooklyn, New  York, an overweight Senegalese woman was unable to obtain a sign  language interpreter while waiting on line to collect her free  Obamaphone. In Olegon Falls, Florida, the National Museum of Native  American Yarn was forced to shut down depriving schoolchildren of an  educational experience and three hours throwing bits of yarn at each  other.
And there was worse to come.
The entire city of  Detroit was seized by the Michigan Militia backed by Canadian air power. The village of Frankfurt, Illinois passed several ordinances in  explicit violation of Title MXVIII of the Federal Charter of Approved  Fruit Naming Ordinances. North Dakota seceded and declared that it was  now the nation of Bismarckia, elected a Kaiser and petitioned to join  OPEC.
An army of Mongols or possibly local residents dressed in  Samurai helmets raided the Federal Dried Peach Reserve in Georgia  hauling away thousands of tons of dried fruit and tossed them to waiting crowds. The end of food stamps in Martho, New Jersey led to an outbreak of cannibalism despite efforts by ACORN volunteers to bring order to  the proceedings by soliciting volunteers to give up their privilege and  be fed to the people.
In Massey Hills, Virginia, a gang of politically  incorrect sports mascots entered a workplace and implicitly hurt the  feelings of several minorities. Their calls to the Justice Department  were forwarded to Eric Holder’s private voicemail along with frequent  messages from his coke dealer demanding to be paid, like right now, and  requests for weapons manuals from several Mexican cartel bosses.
In Madison, Wisconsin, the entire United Organized Educators and  Librarians Union attempted to commit mass suicide on the front lawn of  the Madison Center of Union History to protest budget cuts and school  closings. Their efforts proved in vain when the gasoline they poured on  themselves in a failed attempt at self-immolation turned out to be apple juice.
In Caplow City, Maine, President Gerald Ford, long thought dead and believed to have been buried in Michigan, appeared and  declared himself to be the nation’s new leader. While some suspect him  to be an impostor based on the plastic texture of his mask which has a  hastily erased message reading “Impeach Nixon” on the side, the city  fathers have chosen to embrace the possibilities offered by Emperor Ford and have set him up in style in a presidential palace on the eight  floor of the Caplow Arms Hotel.
In the midst of all this chaos, a  weary nation’s eyes turn to Washington D.C. But since the shutdown, which also shut off all power, water and press releases to the embattled city, no word has reached the outside world of what is taking place  there. The last message was a smoke signal dispatched by Elizabeth  Warren from the roof of a burning Capitol Building. An expert in Native  American smoke signals decoded it to read, “I told you so. Now we’re all doomed.”
The only surviving member of the national government  outside the dead zone is believed to be Vice President Joseph Biden who  showed up on a beach in Waddiddi, Florida, where he has spent hours  entertaining himself by building an elaborate 1/100 scale model of the  White House out of sand. Attempts to inform him that the tide was coming in have fallen on deaf ears.
As the nation descends into chaos,  one thing is clear. The government shutdown has once again doomed us  all. Just like the last 17 times.
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About Mike

Background is in Media with a little History Major thrown in just to be annoying. View all posts by Mike

2 responses to “Government Shutdown: The Movie

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