The NSA is now offering Free (taxpayer-funded) Data Back-Up.
Ever wonder what happened to the e-mail from that special someone you had years ago on an old computer?
The NSA can Help!
Just log on to NSAChat.gov and, like magic, a helpful Secret Agent, or Government Contractor, will assist you in recovering that valuable bit of information.
Lost those naked pictures of your ex-wife?
The NSA can Help!
Anyone of our Nameless Employees, who don’t really exist (we call them “Nobody”), can find those pictures and have them back on your computer without you even realizing it.
Lost that “not quiet legal” Canadian prescription for pain killers?
The NSA can Help!
Odds are we have you on a “hot list” anyway, so getting you that information will be a cinch.
Did your entire system Crash?
The NSA can Help!
Computer Crash? No Problem! Phone dropped in the toilet? No Problem! Dishwasher stopped working? No Problem! Because we keep an entire back-up of everything you have, all the time… forever.
We’re the Government, and We’re here to help!
If you can’t trust Us, who can you trust?
(We are not part of the Internal Revenue Service, yet. There is no opt-out currently available for this service. We apologize ahead of time for using those pictures of your wife or daughter for our desktop wallpaper. We also can provide information for all of your major automobiles. We can hear you through the electrical sockets. Tin Foil doesn’t work.)
makeaneffort 
June 11th, 2013 at 9:06 pm
I finally have all my Apple id’s all sorted out after a 3 hour call with Apple Care (very helpful and patient BTW) it never occurred to me I could have called NSA – but Apple Care was much more efficient I’m sure – AND they have great hold music – at one point they had me on hold to the Ramones – HA, who says Apple is losing their (its/?) cool factor?
FYI – one apple id is all you need – you apparently don’t need to create a new one for every single Apple device… who knew?
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June 11th, 2013 at 9:49 pm
Sure Apple is great… but with the NSA you don’t need ANY passwords!
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June 12th, 2013 at 7:41 am
No, I think we do need passwords – it’s the Official Government Officials who don’t need passwords.
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June 12th, 2013 at 7:47 am
Oh… right. Anymore I get so confused. I’m just glad someone is reading, scanning, filtering through my stuff… even when my computer is off… and my phone is off… and my car if off… and my toaster is off…
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June 11th, 2013 at 3:25 pm
Awesome! Now that’s the sarcasm we tune in for. More like this please.
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June 11th, 2013 at 4:03 pm
It was in response to an odd e-mail I received. It said “Please, For the Love of God, put some clothes on when you play your X-Box Kinect. – Nobody”. It was from an unidentified account.
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